


the magnus archives (tim stoker romcom remix)

by the_cosmos_lonely (dheiress)



Series: to the archivist, your lost tapes [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Apocalypse? What Apocalypse?, Archivist!Tim, Canon Asexual Character, Canon Bisexual Character, Crack, Dialogue Fic, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, I'll beat those tropes to death if I have to, Karaoke, M/M, Matchmaking, Mutual Pining, Office Shenanigans, Queer Character, Queerplatonic Relationships, Screenplay/Script Format, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, The Mechanisms Were The Archivist's College Band, Trapped In A Closet, all the matchmaking tropes, and decides to run back screaming to the peak comedy that is s1, author has finished binge listening up to s5, based on that one tumblr post, no beta we die like archive assistants, no seriously I’m just going to rewrite it, please don’t expect anything more, s1 rewrite, the soap opera that you call the archives, tl;dr danny is still alive, transcript style writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24036886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dheiress/pseuds/the_cosmos_lonely
Summary: SASHA:Tim? Why is Martin babbling about there being onlyone bed?TIM:Oh? They just realised that now? Of course it was going to be one bed, Sasha, how can their romantic plotline progress if there were two beds with Martin pining in one and Jon denying his feelings in the other? Better do the pining and denying in the same king-sized bed, you know?(Archivist!Tim AU)
Relationships: Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James & Tim Stoker, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Series: to the archivist, your lost tapes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724458
Comments: 282
Kudos: 747





	1. tim stoker, head archivist…etcera, etcera (also a fish somewhere)

**Author's Note:**

> are you looking for a spoiler free work? a canon compliant one? a deep rumination on the events of the magnus archives? a complete work that has a definite posting schedule?
> 
> if so, please turn back now because this work fits none of those categories, sorry [but not sorry at all]
> 
> this work is very much inspired by this tumblr post: i-want-it-on-fire.tumblr.com/post/613428022092136448

**[CLICK]**

**[Laptop keys clicking in the background]**

**TIM STOKER**

Mic test…test, test mic…miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic teeeeeeeeeeeeee—

**SASHA JAMES**

_Tim_.

**TIM**

**[Chuckles]**

_Sasha_. **[Sasha sighs]**

Heh. Sooooo, let’s start with an introduction first.

**[Fingers tapping on a wooden surface, approximating a drumroll]**

Everyone, good day. This beautiful voice you are hearing right now belongs to one beautiful man named **[In an exaggerated husky voice]** _Tim Stoker_. Head Archivist for Magnus Institute, **[In an exaggerated posh accent]** _London_ , an organisation dedicated to academic research into the **[In an exaggerated spooky voice]** _SPOOOOKY_ and the **[In an exaggerated afraid whisper]** _weird_.

Our **[In a faux sweet tone, Sasha laughs in the background]** _dearest, our most beloved indeed_ director, Mr. Elias Bouchard, has employed **[Back to being exaggerated crisp surprise]** _me-can-you-believe-it_ as Head Archivist in replacement of one Madam Gertrude Robinson, who has recently passed away, may your soul rest in peace—

**SASHA**

**[Fond, exasperated laughter]** _Oh my god,_ we are going to get _so_ fired—

**TIM**

**[Overlapping with Sasha]** —instead of going with the more obvious, rational, deserving choice of _Sasha James—_

**SASHA**

**[Firm]** _Tim._

**TIM**

**[Also firm]** _Sasha._

**[PAUSE]**

**[Serious, tone no longer mocking or exaggerated something]** You know how I feel about this _._ I was content, I was _happy,_ with being a researcher, and then one day there our Director goes whooshing in and just declaring **[Serious mockery of the posh accent]** “Congratulations, Tim, you’re the Head Archivist now,” **[back to being exasperated]** then flapping off as if those words make any sense.

**[Scoffs]** He didn’t even have the grace to _explain_ what being Head Archivist even entails— **[more nonsensible exasperated sounds, increasing in exasperation]** He’s such an Old White Man, choosing _traditions_ over—

**SASHA**

**[Soft]** I know, I know _._

**[PAUSE, long]**

Just…think of it this way: you’ll have more access to stuff that’ll help you with the…thing with your brother?

**TIM**

**[Scoffs, again]** Research can give me plenty of stuff to work with regarding that one. I have a binder on Robert Smirke now, I'll have you know. Besides, it’s like I’m the only one who cares about it anymore. Danny’s done with his _urbex_ phase now and has taken up kayaking. **[Fabric rustles, Tim shrugs]** So, no rush there.

**[Sighs, voice goes soft]** I’m such a clown, here I was thinking I’ll finally see you in your whole Head Archivist glory when Gertrude died.

**[PAUSE, considering; then suddenly cheery]** Huh. I guess I need to amp up my _incompetence_ to force Elias to demote me and promote you instead. **[Sasha groans in the background]**

**SASHA**

He can just fire you, you know—

**TIM**

**[Exaggerated gasp]** And make me miss seeing you in your whole Head Archivist glory? What a devious plan from a devious man!

**SASHA**

**[Overlapping with Tim’s last words]** and promote Jon or Martin as Head Archivist—

**TIM**

**[Chuckles]** Jon? No—

**SASHA**

**[Confused]** Why can’t Jon be the Head Archivist? He’s competent enough, you asked him to be one of your assistants, Tim.

**TIM**

Look, I’m not saying Jon is incompetent, I did indeed ask him to come here with me to the Archives, after all, I just don’t think he’s made to be the Head of any department. He’s too _focused_ , you know? Like, he’s very good at finding out stuff, filtering the right story but as a team leader? Looking at the bigger picture? **[considering noises]** I don’t think he can easily do that, you know.

Meanwhile, Martin would be too distracted making heart eyes at Jon to designate tasks, I’ll end up having free reign over my persona and causing a fire somewhere, you’ll be just hacking away and changing those two’s Facebook statuses from Single to It’s Complicated **[Sasha giggles]** whilst our John would be clutching his head in paranoia trying to find out who keeps changing his profile, if he even has one.

**SASHA**

And you, the actual Head Archivist in our totally non-hypothetical scenario, is more interested in playing as matchmaker between Jon and Martin than in, say, digitising the Archives, the one thing Elias explicitly asked you to do.

**TIM**

**[Gratified]** _Exactly_ , that’s why we need you to be the Head Archivist, Sasha. You’re our only hope in salvaging this soap opera we call ‘The Archives’.

**SASHA**

**[Clucking sounds]** I think you’re exaggerating this whole ‘jonmartin-will-they-won’t-they’ bet we have.

**TIM**

**[Answering clucking sounds]** They’re not the only ‘will-they-won’t-they’ dynamic in the Archives.

**SASHA**

**[Sing song]** We already know the answer to that one, _Tim_.

**TIM**

**[Also in sing song]** I still have five seasons to change your mind, _Sasha_.

Don’t worry, halfway in Season One, I’ll manage to irritate Elias in demoting myself and you’ll be Head Archivist in no time. Then, the only thing you’ll have to worry about is resisting my charm, which you won’t be able to, no matter how hard you try, we’ll end up together by the end of Season One. Seasons Two to Five will probably be us being disgustingly saccharine while matchmaking the trainwreck of an Office RomCom that is Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood.

**SASHA**

**[Laughs; Tim joins her]** Oh, Tim. **[Lingering laughter]** Just read the statements.

**TIM**

**[Noncommittal]** Hm. **[Shuffling papers]** _…_ Where was I?

**SASHA**

**[Laughter increases]** _Tim_!

**TIM**

**[Laughing again]** See, I’m making you laugh, my plan of making you fall in love with me is going just swell. **[Laughter again, something fleshy is swatted, presumably Sasha slapping Tim’s arm]**

**SASHA**

**[Still laughing]** The introduction!

**TIM**

**[Exaggerated eureka moment]** _Oh,_ _right_. See, how helpless I am? I need you to take over for me, Sasha. Otherwise, you’ll have to sit with me every time I do one of these statement recordings, it’s a win-win situation for us.

**SASHA**

**[Fondly exasperated chuckles]** Just, just start the statement, Tim.

**TIM**

**[Almost whining]** _Fine_.

**[Semi-serious voice; sighs]** Statement of Nathan Watts, regarding a… **[Sounds of pages flipping]** shit, is this serious? A creepy stranger in Edinburgh. Statement written April 22nd 2012. Recorded by Tim Stoker, Head Archivist of The Magnus, eh, etc etc, recorded on the…uh what’s the date today again, Sasha?

**SASHA**

July 23rd 2015.

**TIM**

Hm. Recorded on the 23rd of July 2015.

**[PAUSE]**

Statement begins.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Laptop keys clicking in the background]**

**TIM**

**[Tapping on a wooden surface]** Okay, gather ‘round now, my children, gather around. It’s story time.

**[Footsteps shuffling closer]** Jon, you first. What did you find out about this creepy story of Mr. Watts?

**JONATHAN SIMS**

**[Sighing, grumpy]** Tim, the case was in Edinburgh, _four years_ ago, there’s only little legwork I can do. **[Someone sips something; possibly Tim, possibly the tea Martin made]**

**[PAUSE, then sighs]** I did manage to get a hold on one of the retired officers that handled John Fellows missing case, he couldn’t give me the police report of course, but from our interview they found nothing that can corroborate with Mr. Watts’ story. Look, why don’t you just file under the ‘Discredited’ category?

**TIM**

I would, if there was a ‘Discredited’ category. **[Chirps, almost too cheery]** As it is, we only have the “Creepy” and “Not-Creepy” categories. So, Martin, **[ ~~Jon~~ Someone groans]** what about you?

**MARTIN BLACKWOOD**

**[Stutters]** W-wh-what? Me? Tim, I-I’m so sorry, I thought we had more time I haven’t started—

**TIM**

Oh. It’s alright, Martin. I was just messing **[ ~~Jon~~ Someone groans]** with the both you, I was already going file this under the ‘Creepy’ section. Look! **[Paper flips]**

Isn’t that creepy? It’s the last picture one of the people who went missing near Old Fishmarket Close around the same time of Mr. Watts statement occur sent to her sister. We increased the photo’s exposure—

**SASHA**

**[Clicking keys stop; in a pointed tone]** We?

**TIM**

I cheered you on while you did your Photoshop thingy, Sasha, it was a team effort. **[Sasha sighs, clicking keys resume]**

And look! Look at this creepy photo!

**JON**

**[Stutters, tone almost…afraid]** I…uh, it’s…it’s a hand.

**MARTIN**

**[Surprised, but in a good way]** Whoa.

**TIM**

Yes, _spooky_ , isn’t it? _Sorry_ **[In a not-so-sorry-at-all tone]** , it wasn’t really the reason why I called you in here. We found this statement, it’s, ah, it’s another one of those that can’t be uploaded into the laptops. The ones that need to be recorded with these vintage tape recorders, you know, those ones? **[Jon and Martin makes affirming noises that vary in enthusiasm]**

I guess there must be something about these statements that needs a closer look. I mean if they’re normal, they wouldn’t need those specific tape recorders for digitisation, right? **[Not waiting for any answers]** So.

I’m sending you to Bournemouth tomorrow.

**JON [sputtering in disbelief] and MARTIN [more like excited but don’t want to show it too much]**

whAT?!

**TIM**

**[Cajoling tone]** Don’t worry, don’t worry. Sasha and I already made the arrangements. Elias just said, ‘whatever’ to me when I asked him so the funds and the logistics are on the Institute. You'll be there for one week—

**JON [sputtering in disbelief and increasing fluster] and MARTIN [much more like excited but still don’t want to show it too much]**

ONE WEEK?!

**[ ~~Tim~~ Someone chuckles]**

**[ ~~Sasha~~ Someone sighs]**

**[CLICK]**


	2. jonathan sims, assistant archivist of the magnus institute, london (an empty coffin is the cause of this mess)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow up investigation on the statement of Joshua Gillespie regarding his time in the possession of an apparently empty wooden casket. Investigation by Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood, Assistant Archivists of the Magnus Institute, London. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have never been to Bournemouth, please assume whatever lack of common knowledge Jon or Martin have about the place is due to a) Martin being too be busy in life to know it, or b) Jon was never allowed by his grandmother to actually explore Bournemouth so whatever knowledge he has on tourist spots is based on wikipedia.
> 
> Also I think I have enough of the story fleshed out by now to say this Jon right here is a generally sex-neutral ace but his asexuality can be slightly moved to either repulsed or positive depending on his mood (e.g. if repulsed is 0, positive is 100 and true neutral is 50 then he ranges from 30 to 80, does that make any sense).

**[CLICK]**

**[Hotel Background Noise]**

**THE ASSISTANT ARCHIVIST**

Follow up investigation on the statement of Joshua Gillespie regarding his time in the possession of an apparently empty wooden casket. Investigation by Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood, Assistant Archivists of the Magnus Institute, London. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims. Day One—

**MARTIN**

**[Footsteps, Voice fading in]** Hey, so the check-in is still an hour away but I’ve talked to the manager and they’ll bring our luggage up to the rooms so we can start with the list Tim gave me—

**JON**

**[Slightly snappish]** What about the room keys?

**MARTIN**

**[Nonchalant]** They’ll give it to us after we get back, just bring your passport—

**JON**

Of course I’ll be bringing my passport, I’m not daft—

**MARTIN**

**[Sighs]** Where should we start? Tim’s list include mostly architectural sites, like **[Pause, Paper rustles, Martin seems to be scanning over the list Tim gave him]** the Blenheim Palace, the Wells Cathedral?

**JON**

**[Sighs, Paper rustles, voice less snappish]** I’ll check the map, it’s been _years_ since I’ve been here.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Laptop keys and mouse clicking in the background]**

**[Background clicking stops]**

**SASHA**

**[Voice faint, as if she’s not near the recorder]** …Huh? Who turned you on, little guy?

**[Door opens]**

**[Door closes]**

**[Footsteps]**

**TIM**

**[Two clunks of something ceramic being placed on wood, voice also faint]** I admit I’m missing Martin, right now, that boy does brew good tea—

**SASHA**

**[Voice still faint]** Tim, did you forget to turn off the recorder when you left to make tea?

**TIM**

**[Voice still faint]** What, no, I turned that bloody thing off— **[Sudden pause]**

**[Footsteps, towards the recorder]**

**[Voice now clear]** Whoa, why are you on, buddy?

**[Knock, knock. Door opens immediately after]**

**ELIAS BOUCHARD**

Knock, knock.

**[Door closes]**

**[Footsteps fading in]** I see you’ve sent Jon and Martin on a little vacation?

**[Laptop keys and mouse resumes clicking in the background but slower, as if their maker is distracted from their task]**

**TIM**

**[Exaggerated innocence]** _Vacation_? What, _of course not._ They went on a totally required work outing to investigate a case that is almost _eighteen_ years old. We do have to follow up on each statement _thoroughly_ , don’t we?

**ELIAS**

**[Drily]** _Of course, we do._ I applaud you for such wise decision making, Archivist. Your actions do give me daily reassurance on my choice to make you our Head Archivist.

I assume the rather… _impressive_ accommodations are to ensure the well maintenance of our assistant archivists’ mental and physical faculties?

**TIM**

**[Upbeat]** Why yes, of course.

**ELIAS**

Such _care_ for your assistants. I do advise on budgeting, however, if Jon and Martin are to continue being frisked away on such important follow up investigations. I’m afraid our financial sources, though vast, are not unlimited. Jon and Martin may find themselves in less… _impressive_ accommodations next time they will be sent on a trip.

**TIM**

Sure, boss. **[Slightly sarcastic]** I do _love_ budgeting.

**ELIAS**

**[Pleased]** Ah! Yet another one of our similarities. **[A heavy beat]** How’s the digitisation going, by the way?

**TIM**

**[In a tone that suggests otherwise]** Just _swimmingly_.

**ELIAS**

Hm. **[To Sasha]** I do hope Tim has not increased your workload by delegating to you the recording of the statements that only the tape recorders can capture?

**[Background noise of slow laptop keys and mouse clicking stops altogether]**

**SASHA**

**[Cautious, slow]** …No, Elias. I’m the one who filters through the statements to see which records in the laptop’s mic and which does not, but I only test record a sentence or two of the statements before checking. I turn the ones that cannot be uploaded to the laptop over to Tim.

**TIM**

**[Frustration increasing with each word]** Sasha’s the only one who can make sense of the mess Gertrude called a filing system, she’s also making a comprehensive worksheet that lets us cross-check names and locations across cases because, _surprisingly_ , there are repeating names in supposedly _unrelated_ cases, she’s the one that can find whatever electronic report or evidence that we cann _ot_ —

**ELIAS**

**[Smoothly interrupting, voice genteel but firm]** It appears you have chosen well your assistant, Head Archivist. I congratulate you. But seeing as Sasha’s workload is heavy as it is, I hope you do not burden her with the tape recordings, anymore. It is the Archivist’s, not their assistant’s, duty in the first place, after all.

 **[To Sasha, voice pleasant again]** Good day, Sasha. Do tell me if Tim tries to pass his responsibilities to you again.

**[Footsteps, fading away]**

**SASHA**

**[Faint]** Yes…of course.

**[Door opens]**

**[Door closes]**

**[High pitched]** _What was that about?_

**TIM**

**[Frustrated]** _Uuuuugggggghhhhhh._

**SASHA**

**[Warningly]** _Tim_. What was that about?

**TIM**

**[Sounds of something heavy flopping onto leather]** I...may have submitted a letter requesting a move back to research _._

**SASHA**

**[Ballistic]** _You, what!_

 **[Footsteps fading in, then Sasha hissing]** I am going to strangle you, Timothy Stoker! You’re the one who asked for Jon and I to move here with you in the first place and you’re going to go back—

**TIM**

**[Petulantly]** If it helps, it _didn’t_ work. As you can see, Elias didn’t accept the letter, quoting some byzantine Institute rule that say Head Archivists can no longer be transferred to other departments or lower posts in the same one. _Ugh..._ I should have submitted a resignation letter.

Better yet, I should haven’t signed that damned contract, but it’s like the shock numbed me enough to just follow what he says.

**SASHA**

**[Pointedly]** Did you mention me anywhere in this letter?

**TIM**

Of course not. Although **[Sheepish]** I did have some strong recommendations on what characteristics the next Head Archivist should have...?

**SASHA**

**[Exasperated]** _Tim._

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Background crowd noise]**

**JON**

Are you _sure_ this is one of the itinerary?

**MARTIN**

**[Aborted what do I know stutters]** Tim just said it’ll help us get a better view on the situation.

**JON**

_Bournemouth’s Observation Wheel_. Th-that crazy thing, we’re expected to ride that dangerous contraption, just look—look at how it goes up and down, Martin!

**MARTIN**

It’s just a ferris wheel, Jon. How fast can it go?

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

How long do you think before they realise?

**SASHA**

Before they realise that the itinerary you’ve given them and told them to investigate to help follow up on Joshua Gillespie’s statement is just a compilation of tourist spots and romantic stops in Bournemouth?

**TIM**

_Yep_.

**SASHA**

Hm, Jon’s from Bournemouth so you might be getting an angry call from him any moment now and Martin’s actually good in spotting lies so it won’t take him long to catch up.

**TIM**

True, Martin’s an evil manipulator himself **[Sasha laughs good naturedly in the background]** so he would know immediately what I’m up to, the better question for him would be what he’s going to do about it, wouldn’t it?

Jon, though? I don’t think he would know, I bet he hasn’t been to any of those tourist attractions himself. With what I’ve heard about his grandmother, she doesn’t seem like someone to take their grandchildren to something as frivolous as ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds.

**SASHA**

Want to bet on it?

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Somewhere atop the Bournemouth Observation wheel]**

**JON**

...This...isn’t actually that...bad. _What are you smiling about?_

**MARTIN**

Nothing! Nothing, just. **[Soft, smiling]** _Heh_. **[Jon sputters in the background]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

_Holy hell._

**SASHA**

**[Sounds of laptop keys stop]** What?

**TIM**

I did my own digging on the Gillespie’s statement, the one with the coffin and the smart guy remember, and uh, Breekon and Hope. **[Paper shuffling]** They’ve shut down a few years back but the name keeps scratching something on my brain and I just realised where I’ve heard it before— _Father Burroughs’_ statement, must have read it when I’ve skimmed through it before—Sasha let’s add to the cross reference table the mentions of companies or other organisations per statement.

**SASHA**

Sure, on it. **[Laptop keys stop starts clacking faster]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**JON**

**[Muffled, as if the recorder in a pocket or bag]** _Martin. Why is there only one bed?_

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

Tim? Why is Martin babbling about there being only _one bed_?

**TIM**

Oh? They just realised that now? **[Laughs]** Of course it was going to be one bed, Sasha, how can their romantic plotline progress if there were two beds with Martin pining in one and Jon denying his feelings in the other? Better do the pining and denying in the same king-sized bed, you know?

**SASHA**

_Tim_. **[LONG PAUSE, voice then becomes fainter, she’s talking to Martin on the phone]** Sorry, Martin, Tim was the one who arranged the hotel, he said there wasn’t any other room left when he reserved. Have you talked to the manager? Maybe you could request another bed or at least a mattress?

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**MARTIN**

—just take the bed, Jon, it’s okay—

**JON**

No, no, it is _not okay—_

**MARTIN**

It’s alright I’ll just sleep on the floor, Jon, really, I’m used to sleeping on a futon, it’s fine—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Tim laughing loudly in the background]** _Tim._

**TIM**

**[Breathless]** Oh, this will be so _fun_.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**JON**

Follow up investigation on the statement of Joshua Gillespie regarding his time in the possession of an apparently empty wooden casket. Investigation by Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood, Assistant Archivists of the Magnus Institute, London. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims. Day Three.

Sasha’s research reveals the subject to frequent gothic and art noveau architecture such as the Wells’ Cathedral and Highcliffe Castle for the former and the Russell-Cotes Art Gallery for the latter. We will be visiting the Gallery today to gather, **[tired sighs]** in Tim’s words, insight to how Mr. Gillespie’s mind works **—[Sound of someone yawning and footsteps fading in]** Martin!

**MARTIN**

**[Sounds of yawning and stretching disrupted]** J-jon! Sorry, I didn’t know you were awake already, go-good morning? **[Some fabric rustling, Martin quickly picks up his clothes on the pile of blankets near Jon’s feet]**

**JON**

Please put on your clothes, man. **[You can almost hear him turn away]**

**MARTIN**

Yeah, sorry, yeah, give me a sec. **[More fabric rustling, Martin groans, stretching again]**

**JON**

**[Sullen, a little bit guilty]** How’s your back?

**MARTIN**

**[More sounds of stretching, faint popping of bones]** It’s, uh, it’s fine, I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Let’s go down for breakfast.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

Tim, I swear to God, put down that thing and start recording Joshua Gillespie’s statement or I would—

**TIM**

But Sasha! This is a prototype Danny gave me, fidget spinner he called it, believe me, this would be the future of all bored people—

**SASHA**

_Tim._

**TIM**

**[puts down spinner]** Okay, okay, sheesh—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**JON**

**[In a tone not unlike a tour guide’s]** The Russell-Cotes Art Gallery and Museum is a museum piece in itself as much as the individual pieces inside. Originally a birthday present from Sir Merton Russell-Cotes, Bournemouth mayor from 1894 to 1895, to his wife in 1897, the then called East Cliff Hall, its contents and Sir Russell-Cotes art collection was donated to Bournemouth—

 **[Normal voice, a little bit defensive, just realised Martin was not saying anything]** _What?_ Sasha said to record—

**MARTIN**

No, no, it’s alright, **[Dreamy]** don’t stop, please—

**JON**

**[Clears throat, gathers his thoughts, picks up another trail]** Here in front of us is ‘The Dawn of Love’, also known as ‘Venus Now Wakes, and Wakens Love’, a thirty five inches by thirty seven point eight inches oil on canvas painting by William Etty. Based on a passage of John Milton’s Comus, it depicts a fully nude woman sat upon a bed or a chaise on a veranda, her right leg still on the bed while the left rests on the footstool beneath. She is stroking the wings of a boy-like figure, also nude, sleeping facedown on the bed.

_What hath night to do with sleep?_

_Night hath better sweets to prove,_

_Venus now wakes, and wakens Love._

**MARTIN**

Y-you like art? And poetry?

**JON**

...I took an art and language studies class in college.

**MARTIN**

**[Perks up]** Oh?

**JON**

_I hated it._ I just needed the art and humanities credit.

**MARTIN**

**[Perks down]** Oh **.**

 **[PAUSE, stuttering sounds of trying to salvage the conversation]** Uh, how about, um, we see the gardens instead, what do you think?

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

Tim, look at this. Remember Amy Patel’s statement? She mentioned a table, right? With a missing piece? **[Papers shuffling]** Now, reread this part of the statement from Ivo Lensik, his description of the box he found on Hilltop Road. What do you see?

**TIM**

**[Pause]** ...holy _shit._

 **[Longer pause, voice full of quiet, silent admiration]** You’re _amazing_.

**SASHA**

**[Lightly flustered but kept her cool]** Oh, shut up, you would have seen it too if you weren’t too busy wooing the clerks in the hospital—

**TIM**

**[Voice now grinning]** Now, now, I got Amy Patel’s medical records thanks to that wooing—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Shifting fabric]**

**MARTIN**

Jon? What are you doing? _Jon?_

**JON**

**[Hissing]** What does it look like I’m doing, Martin? I’m sleeping on the floor! I cannot let you having you thrown your back on my conscience!

**MARTIN**

**[What is happening right now]** For god’s sake, Jon, I’m too young to throw my back!

**JON**

Go to sleep, _Martin_.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

—and like I keep telling Martin he can do much better than Jon but no, no, our boy’s _besotted_ , I don’t even know how that happened—

**SASHA**

Uh-uh, I can’t hear you over the clacking of my keys as I dutifully do my researching job as an archive assistant—

**TIM**

—I mean, I introduced him to Diana from the library—which is weird because he supposedly worked for the library for a while before coming here to the archives—to one of the lovely clerks in the met, I even tried introducing him to Danny but did he look at any of the beautiful people I lined up for him? _No._ He points to the grumpy, old man one cardigan away from his total Grandmotherhood not even in the choices and says, _I want that one—_

**SASHA**

Now, I don’t think you’re being fair to Jon, he’s quite lovely, especially if you’re into the salt-and-pepper hair—

**TIM**

_Of course,_ I’m into the salt-and-pepper hair but only when it’s on men that are actually older than me—oh, wait—

**SASHA**

**[Dismissing]** Oh, I know about that, it’s on the computer records. The question is how did _you_ know?

**TIM**

Weeeeell, I didn’t believe him when he said he was 38? I thought he was older. Soooo, I kinda snuck into the Records room and took a peek on his CV? Imagine my shock when he was actually younger than me.

**SASHA**

**[Tuts]** Figures. Well, back to Jon and Martin, I actually think they’re good together, Jon could be less harsh to Martin, of course, but they’re each other’s foil, balancing the other—

**TIM**

Yin and yang? **[Sasha makes an agreeing sound in the background]** The moon and the sun? Water versus fire? **[Snorts]** The cosy grandmother that plies you with tea versus the stern grandmother that canes your hand whenever you reach for the sweets?

**SASHA**

_What_...no. **[Laughs]** _No_ , why did you go and put that image in my head? **[Laughs some more, Tim joins her laughter]** Now I can’t get it out of my head!

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Background crowd chatter and very faint engine noise]**

**JON**

Follow up investigation on the statement of Joshua Gillespie regarding his time in the possession of an apparently empty wooden casket. Investigation by Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood, Assistant Archivists of the Magnus Institute, London. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims. Day **...[sighs]** Five.

...I hate you, Tim.

If I was in any position to do so, I will fire you and make sure Sasha’s the Head Archivist since she’s the one doing all the work anyway.

Lulworth cave? Bournemouth beach? _Piers?_ **_Oceanariums?_** **[Almost hissing]** Even if Joshua Gillespie liked visiting those places, even if those attractions existed in _1998_ , nobody who might have remembered him still works there now. We asked. We asked around so much, Tim.

I hate you. I hope you choke on those statements you’re reading. Sasha is a better Head Archivist than you, how dare you use _this_ against me—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Sound of laptop keys and the occasional mouse clicks interspersed with her words]** So, in which tourist spot did you send Jon and Martin off to today?

**TIM**

Hmm? **[Sips tea]** Let me check day five would be **... [Paper shuffles]** Oceanarium in the morning and Tea Bus Tour in the afternoon!

**SASHA**

**[Actually slightly envying the two for the vacation because she’s been wanting to go there for a while now]** What would be day six and day seven?

**TIM**

**[Qu** **ite oblivious]** Six would be gardens, all the gardens in Bournemouth **, [Tim snorts]** and there’s like a _lot_. Seven is Westbourne exploration day, don’t worry I had subtly added a heavy suggestion in the list that they buy us souvenirs so I got our pretty baubles secured.

**SASHA**

...You really just selected those sites from the first travel blog that came up when you searched ‘Bournemouth Tourist Spots’, didn’t you?

**TIM**

**[Proud of it]** _Yep_.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Muffled, as if inside a bag]**

**MARTIN**

Jon? _Jon?_

**JON**

**[Sleepy]** What?

**MARTIN**

...Come up here.

**JON**

**[More awake]** _What_?

**MARTIN**

The bed. Sleep on the bed, Jon, I can hear you groaning and popping your joints earlier at the oceanarium and even on the tea bus, no matter how hard you tried to hide it. If I couldn’t take the strain of sleeping on the floor, then maybe you shouldn’t.

**JON**

**[Grouchy, but touched]** I’m _fine._ Go back to sleep.

**MARTIN**

_Jon._ I am going to carry you to this bed myself if you don’t come up here. The bed’s large, we can sleep without worrying about each other’s space.

**JON**

Martin, I’m fine. Stay there, let me sleep on the floor, in peace.

**MARTIN**

...Jon. If you return to the office with your back aching, Tim will feast on you and make up stories on why is that. You know each story he'll come up with will be just more indecent than the last.

**[Very long, considering tense pause, then ~~Jon~~ someone sighs] **Fine.

**[Blankets and clothes shifts as Jon moves and lays on the bed.]**

**MARTIN**

**[Softly happy]** Thank you.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

Looks like I win our little bet again, Sasha darling.

**SASHA**

Wait, what?

**TIM**

**[Gloating]** Just asked Martin an update on their single bed situation, and guess what he replied?

**SASHA**

What?

**TIM**

Nothing. Just a smiley face. **[Tim and Sasha giggles together]**

**SASHA**

Seriously? _Seriously?_

**TIM**

_Look!_ See for yourself.

**SASHA**

**[Pause]** _Ohmigod._ Oh my god! **[Tim and Sasha laughs again]**

 **[Inbetween laughter]** Tim, don’t ever you think that maybe Jon will hate this? Us? The matchmaking?

**TIM**

What are you talking about? _No_.

**SASHA**

Why not?

**TIM**

**[You can almost hear the wolfish grin in his face]** Because I _know_ for a fact that Jon likes Martin _too_.

**[CLICK]**


	3. martin blackwood, aspiring poet disgustingly in love (a stranger and a book is mentioned briefly if you squint, also teeth)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unpublished poems by Martin ‘K’ Blackwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Martin’s poems are written by yours truly, there’s no one else to blame for their mediocrity.

**[CLICK]**

**MARTIN**

_Sleeping Venus_ by Martin K. Blackwood:

**[One deep breath to steady himself]**

_He stares at the picture, still unknowing_

_He’s my own Venus, my Eros sleeping_

_How can I awaken him sweetly_

_When in sleep he looks so passionately?_

_The waves lap around his feet in swirls_

_The breeze licks his hair in hypnotic twirls_

_And I envy them all so greatly_

_Longing for when I can do too freely—_

**SASHA**

My, my, someone’s inspired today.

**MARTIN**

**[Sounds of knocking multiple items off his desk, scandalised]** _Sa-sasha! Wha—why, ho_ **—[more stutters, still scandalised]** since _when_ have you been standing there?

**SASHA**

**[Hums]** Since that bit about the waves and the breeze, **[makes a long considering noise]** may I ask who your muse was for that lovely poem?

**MARTIN**

Noone! Noonenooneyouknowatall! I’m just, uhm, j-just practising is all! I bought a tape recorder, I mean we went into this particular store and Jon bought himself tape recorder and I thought why not, tape recorders are cool so Ijustboughtoneformyselfanditseemedawastenottouseit!

**SASHA**

**[Takes pity on Martin and changes the subject]** Was that the same store where you bought that [skeleton, skull thing](https://www.google.com/maps/uv?hl=en&pb=!1s0x4873a1e3181347b7%3A0x2b9546abc5b5bba9!3m1!7e115!4s%2Fmaps%2Fplace%2Fthe%2Bletterbox%2Bwestbourne%2F%4050.7227271%2C-1.9031133%2C3a%2C75y%2C129.41h%2C90t%2Fdata%3D*213m4*211e1*213m2*211swoXLPeIPx9EkgY_vhbQJPg*212) you gave Tim?

**MARTIN**

**[Calms down a** **lot at the change of subject]** _Technically_ , it was Tim who bought everything we chose in the store.

**SASHA**

Then _technically,_ The Institute was the one who bought all those stuff since Tim filed them under the food allowance budget.

**MARTIN**

...The accounting people hate us, right now, don’t they?

**SASHA**

**[Chipper]** Just a little bit, I think they’re charmed when Tim introduced that thing to them as the long-lost bones of _Jimmy Magma_ the Institute’s esteemed founder. He even made a nameplate for it, says the spirit of our Institute’s Dear Founder is guiding him through all his Archiving decisions. Elias, meanwhile, is not so much charmed, apparently the Lukases audits the Institute financially each year and they're very _thorough_.

Oh, which reminds me, how come I haven’t got any long-lost bones to look after and display on my desk? I would also like to put that particular tinge of repressed-outrage-purple on Elias’ face whenever he passes my work area.

**MARTIN**

I thought you liked the Polaroid camera? It’s got a flamingo on it and everything.

**SASHA**

**[Primly]** _I do!_ I just want something to counter Tim with whenever he pulls the 'Jonie Magnum’s bones are with me so I must be right’ card. And like I said, something to outrage Elias.

**MARTIN**

...I didn’t know you were playing cards.

**SASHA**

And you haven’t heard it from me. Anyway, got to dash, I’m asking Amy Patel out for an interview.

**MARTIN**

**[Teasing]** Does Tim know you are cheating on him?

**SASHA**

**[Walking away, shouting over her shoulder, also teasing]** Does Jon know he’s your Venus, your Eros sleeping?

**MARTIN**

**[Burning bright red because Jon might come in any moment]** _Sasha!_

 **[Notices his tape recorder still running]** Oh shi—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**MARTIN**

_Gardens_ by Martin K. Blackwood:

_The gardens are in full bloom_

_So is my heart that knows no gloom—_

**[Knock, knock]**

Oh. **[clears throat]** _Oh,_ come in!

**[Door opens]**

**JON**

**[Starts out faint, fades in with footsteps]** Martin? What are you doing here? Where's...Tim and Sasha?

**MARTIN**

Oh, oh, **[chuckles, flustered]** they went out for lunch, had me, uh, had me hold the fort for a little while.

**JON**

Hold the fort?

**MARTIN**

Y-yeah, Tim said there had been some **[you can hear the quotation marks in his voice]** “attempts to attack” Mr. Jack Magnet and The Institute he holds dear, which in this case I think means the domino house Tim built?

**JON**

**[Crisply]** I see **. [A beat, if you listen very carefully he stammers for an unknown reason]** Well, I’m going to, I’m going to go now, I just thought Sasha was still here. And she isn’t so...

**MARTIN**

**[Trying very hard to be casually helpful, he sounds very not-casually helpful]** What’s up? Maybe, uh, maybe _I_ can help instead?

**JON**

Ah **... [stammers again, clears throat and tone becomes somewhat condescending to cover momentary weakness]** Do you have access to electric catalogues of esoteric literature and the like? I need to check records of that Jurgen Leitner book, _Ex Altiora_ , mentioned in the statement Sasha has recently tried to have Tim record.

**MARTIN**

**[Trying very hard to hide his dismay, he did not succeed]**...No. Sorry.

**JON**

Yes, I thought so. **[clears throat again, waits for Martin to say something, Martin does not say anything]** , I’m going now.

**[In quick succession: fast embarrassed footsteps fading out, door opens, door closes]**

**MARTIN**

**[Too late]** Jon! 

**[Martin’s head hits the table, he sighs]**

**[Muffled]** “Jon, would you like to go out for lunch?” Ugh, why couldn’t you lead the conversation with that, Martin Blackwood?

**[A thump as Martin hits his head on the table again, then muffled, frustrated screaming]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**MARTIN**

_Ocean Blue_ by Martin K. Blackwood:

_He’s so close, a breath away while he sleeps_

_I wonder if I reach out with my fingertips_

_Will he curl tighter or meet me halfway_

_Will he listen and truly believe what I say?_

_Reflected on his handsome face is blue_

_Ocean blue not bluer than my feelings so true—_

**[Door opens]**

**TIM**

**[Imitating ~~Jon~~ someone]** _Mahhhtin!_

**MARTIN**

**[Sighs]** yes, Tim?

**TIM**

**[Placing faux kisses on Martin’s forehead]** My beloved, so much taller than me, son, my only boy, where have you been? You haven’t visited me for a while. Your Papá missed you so much!

**MARTIN**

**[Disgruntled, pushing his clingy fake Papá away]** You’ve literally just seen me three minutes ago, Tim. What do you want?

**TIM**

**[Hums consideration of Martin for a moment]** Oh no, what’s this? A week spent ravishing Jon in bed didn’t cheer you up?

**MARTIN**

**[Stutters, scandalised yet again]** _Ra-ravishing?!_ What are you talking about, Tim, loweryourvoiceJonmighthear! There was no _ravishing_ —

**TIM**

Ah, now that explains the mournful pining looks you’ve been sending each other whenever the other’s watery gaze is upon another sight. **[Exaggerated jovial tone]** I do _love_ an office environment rife with unresolved sexual tension, takes me back to when I too—

**MARTIN**

_Tim_.

**TIM**

**[Normal voice]** Or not. You had him one week all for yourself, Martin, why didn’t you take the chance? What did you think I metaphorically trussed him up for, a customised Tantalus test for you?

**MARTIN**

**[Frustrated noises]** It’s not like _that_. It’s not just a simple ‘I’m sexually attracted to him’, well I am—

**TIM**

It’s the premature salt-and-pepper hair, isn’t it?

**MARTIN**

_Yes,_ but not only that! **[The tone of someone whose repressed feelings comes whooshing out, oops]** I want to know him, I want him to know me as well. I saw him, a, a part of him that wasn’t usually out there when we were in Bournemouth, and—and, I am just human, Tim. I want to know more. I want to see more of him, not just physically but I want to see him smile again, do something he finds reckless and love it anyway—

**TIM**

**[The sound of someone saying ‘What do I do with this besotted creature, I wasn’t this pitiful when I was yearning, right?’]** Ah.

**MARTIN**

**[Every word dripping with pining]** And unless—you know how to make Jon see I mean him no harm and be willing to, I don’t know, trust me and subject himself to the horrifying deal of being known, there’s nothing you can do to help me.

**TIM**

**[Very lightly]** I beg to differ. I can push you two into _extremely_ strenuous situations that you’ll have no choice but to bone to relieve the pressure. Really, Martin, at this point, I don’t think boning will have any adverse effects—

**[Martin groans]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

 _Or_ **, [paper rustles, Tim flourishes a note under Martin’s nose]** I can give you the contact details of Mr. Kieran Woodward, you and Jon can interview him regarding all that teeth he found in the trash and when you’re finished with him.. **.[makes some non committing sounds]** maybe you can go and walk through or stake out Lancaster road while in a nearby cafe or bench park?

**MARTIN**

**[Martin groans again]** Just stop it. Stop your whatever notion of matchmaking you have in your head, Tim. It’s just a crush. I’m just _bad_ at crushes as with everything I do. We’re close to be friends now, **[sighs]** I’ll get over it soon enough.

**TIM**

**[Knowingly, because sure that sounds like something someone who will get over a crush says]** But do you really _want_ to get over it, I wonder?

**[A rather heavy silence]**

**MARTIN**

**[Snaps, whining]** Of course not!

**[He snatches the paper away from Tim and marches away]**

**TIM**

**[Laughs]** Yep, thought so.

 **[Shouting to Martin]** Don’t forget to give your Papá his thank you gift for this!

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Severely off-note belting to Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen]** _Ohhhh, won’t you take me home tonight_

_Ohhhh, down beside you red firelight_

**[He tries to reach a very high key, failing]** _Ohhhh and you give it all you got_

 _Fat bottomed girls,_ **[voice cracking]** _you make the rocking world go ‘round_

_Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go ‘roOOOOOOOOund!_

**[Claps]** C’mon Mr. Jimmy Magma, sing with me!

**[Hands beating on a wooden surface, approximating drumbeats]**

_Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I know you gonna take me home tonight, please_

_Ohhhhhhh doWN BESIDE THAT RED—_

**[DOOR BANGS OPEN]**

**SASHA**

**[very angry]** _TIM!_

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Background cafe noises]**

**JON**

Follow up interview on the statement of Kieran Woodward, regarding items recovered from the refuse of 93 Lancaster Road, Walthamstow. Investigation by Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood, Assistant Archivists of the Magnus Institute, London. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood.

As Mr. Kieran Woodward had declined to have his interview recorded, we will instead recount the interview as transcribed by Martin Blackwood. Jonathan Sims as the questioner and Martin Blackwood to recite Mr. Woodward’s answers.

Question number One: Mr. Woodward, has there been other notable items you have recovered from the refuse of 93 Lancaster Road, Walthamstow since you have given your statement to the Magnus Institute?

**MARTIN**

Uhm **[Clears throat]** “No, none at all. Just normal old people stuff, there was one time the old couple threw out a whole bag of used clothes but other than the fact that they could have given that to charity, no weird stuff.” He trailed off here, shrugged.

**JON**

Question number Two: Has Mr. Parfitt contacted you in any way after the Incident?

**MARTIN**

“No. I tried keeping up with his brother Mike but Alan himself didn’t—No.”

**JON**

Last Question: Are there any other incidents, any at all, you think strange that has happened to you or any one of your co-workers the years after Mr. Parfitt disappeared?

**MARTIN**

“To tell you the truth, once I thought about it I really don’t think the whole thing was that strange. I mean, the teeth was fucked up but the burned paper must be just a wannabe satanist’s work and whoever did that to the dolls’ heads should have their own head checked. But not that strange you know? At the time sure it felt so weird and dangerous but Alan was already a bit off, you know? His dark humour and everything, I can’t really think of anything else strange, you boys just wasted time on following up on this bust, sorry. You’ll be better off taking a stroll outside and have a lovely date—”

**JON**

Martin! **[angrily flustered]** You didn’t have to include that part!

**MARTIN**

**[Mind catching up with what his mouth said]** Oh! Sorry, sorry!

**JON**

**[Flustered, but he can pretend he’s irritated instead]** Now, we have to start from the top again!

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

Where’s Martin and Jon?

**TIM**

**[Snorting]** If either of them has any sense, they should be wholesomely holding hands in a cafe or torridly necking in a broom closet by now. Unfortunately, the brain cell they share must have taken a indefinite furlough for itself.

**SASHA**

Aww, matchmaking plans backfired on you?

**TIM**

No, Jon’s acerbity was just a little bit stubborn than expected. And Martin hasn’t unbesotted himself yet. I’m just waiting for the perfect opportunity, maybe less sweet cuddling and more focused approach to Jon.

**SASHA**

Like?

**TIM**

Disable the breaks on his chair chair and have Martin perfectly stationed to catch him before the inevitable fall that will break his neck? **[Sasha sighs]**

No? Too violent? Amortentia, then? In his tea? The _perfect_ love potion.

**SASHA**

**[Laughs]** And where are you going to get that perfect love potion?

**TIM**

**[Breezily]** Easy. Just swap it with heroin and have Martin deliver it to him every day, let him associate the feeling of mindless happiness with Martin—

**SASHA**

**[Sasha hits Tim on the head with stack of paper she’s holding]** That’s evil. And non-consensual, stop it.

**TIM**

**[Pouting]** Okay fine, I’ll stick to plan A.

**SASHA**

Which is?

**TIM**

**[Grinning maniacally]** Lock them in a broom closet.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Background cafe noises]**

**MARTIN**

**[Soft]** The tea here is nice. Wish there were cakes like in Frieda’s Tea Bus, though.

**JON**

**[Gruffly soft]** Too much sugar will rot your teeth, Martin.

**[ ~~Martin~~ Someone sighs contentedly]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**MARTIN**

_Adorable_ by Martin K. Blackwood:

**[Breathes in deeply]**

_A tight curl with little dimples, He smiles_

_And my heart soars up by a hundred miles_

_A long forgotten melody, He laughs_

_And my lungs, the sweet sound both soothes and burns_

_Can I capture in little photographs_

_All his ups and downs, his twists and turns?_

_Like a newborn calf on young feet, he walks_

_Like toast dipped in richest honey, he talks_

_His hair like cobwebs tinged with fine silver_

_His hands deft, his fingers oh so clever_

_The corner of his mouth I want to kiss_

_Something I never had, how can I miss?_

_For Him, longing no longer bearable_

_What can I say, He is Adorable_

**[Lovesick sigh]**

**[CLICK]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the link to Mr. Jimmy Magma's reference doesn't work for you, try searching through the google photos of 'The Letterbox', it's under the "By Owner" section.


	4. the case of the two vanished assistants (jon should have paid less attention to Jane Prentiss and her loving worms)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Notes on the follow up investigation on the statement Timothy Hodge regarding his sexual encounter with Harriet Lee and her subsequent death. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims. Continuation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some more Tim/Sasha. I’m addicted to Tim making Sasha laugh so bad puns ahead! PS: If the TMA ao3 feed is a free-for-all buffet I’ll be the hooded person in that one unlit corner offering illegal junk food because this fic, while really light and (hopefully) enjoyable, has no nutritional value at all.

**[CLICK]**

**[Door opens]**

**[Faint clicking of laptop keys and mouse, Tim’s footsteps fade in]**

**TIM**

And a jolly good morning to you too, Sasha! Guess what I did today?

**SASHA**

**[Distracted]** Hm?

**TIM**

Remember Rentoul? The guy who got himself into bite size pieces? **[Sasha groans]** Guess who found the ex-landlord of that guy?

**SASHA**

_Wow_ , is that a lick of competence? From the Head Archivist trying to have himself fired?

**TIM**

**[Faux prudish]** Replaced, Sasha. Not fired but replaced by you, specifically, this is why I need to sometimes demonstrate my charming aptitude in the investigation of the spooky and the weird.

**SASHA**

Uh-huh.

**TIM**

Also, I can’t always display my inherent leadership abilities now, can I? **[Tone suddenly gets dangerously flirting]** Otherwise, you’ll get immune and you’ll no longer swoon at my dashing heroics.

**SASHA**

**[Bites lip, amused]...** And these dashing heroics are?

**TIM**

Drum rolls please, now, don’t go crazy on my behalf but—I’m set to have tea with Mrs. Anna Kasuma tomorrow morning and as I will heroically charm her with irresistible charm, she will surely spill all the juicy answers we need regarding that haunted house on Hill Top Road.

**SASHA**

Well, I bet Elias will enthusiastically start plotting your three decade tenure as the Head Archivist once he hears what magnificent choices you’ve made.

**TIM**

**[Some noncommittal noises, still smiling** ] Don’t worry. I’ll balance it out with extravagant business trips for our boys Jon and Martin. Perhaps, even tip it more to my side. Like, do you know how Elias gets the funding for the Institute?

**SASHA**

Through the generous donations of our well-meaning, curious patrons?

**TIM**

_Close_ but not exactly. Rosie and I have our delicious suspicions with the way one Peter Lukas keeps visiting our esteemed Director and conducting _private_ meetings with him for _hours_.

**SASHA**

**[The start of laughter in her voice]** Peter Lukas? _Tim_ , are you implying Elias is _whoring_ himself out to the Lukas family?

**TIM**

That would be the basic assumption, wouldn’t it? **[Voice grinning]** _But_ , listen to this—what if, he was _married_ to the Lukas family BUT he either got widowed or _divorced_ and the Institute’s funding is like from his pension or alimony from the Lukases.

**SASHA**

**[Full out pealing laughter]** _What?_

**TIM**

**[‘Investigative reporter’ voice]** Now that the Institute’s funding is getting low—Can alimonies decrease, Sasha? I’m not familiar to how divorces and alimonies work—anyway, what matters is that the funding is getting low through no small part of the Archives’ very, very _pertinent_ needs, so Elias needs a new _sugar daddy_ right now.

 **[Snaps fingers]** Cue, Peter Lukas—delicious looking bear, pure of ass and wallet but dumb of heart and, possibly, mind—I mean, how else can you explain the way Elias wears those extra tight fitting suits on the exact days that Peter Lukas comes to the Institute?

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** ...He just likes to wear finely tailored suits?

**TIM**

Oh, come on, that’s just poor imagination even for you, Sasha.

**SASHA**

_Excuse me_ , I have the best imagination out of the four of us here in the Archives!

**TIM**

**[Like a boy provoking his playmate]** _Prove it._ Tell me why does Peter Lukas keep on visiting Elias?

**SASHA**

Wait, wait, let me think...Okay, **[laughing]** okay, but what if Peter Lukas isn’t the _new_ target sugar daddy? What if there’s no _new_ sugar daddy? I mean, he’s been around the Institute visiting Elias for as long as I can remember, what if he was the then divorced husband for alimony and, oh my god, the new sugar daddy Elias is targeting at the same time?

**TIM**

**[Gleeful laughter breaking up his words]** Multi-divorced husbands _—for alimony purposes!_ Oh god, Mr. Bouchard is such a whore, what would our dearly departed Mr. Joe Magnet think of him?

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Footsteps, Jon is walking as he records]**

**JON**

Notes on the follow up investigation on the statement Timothy Hodge regarding his sexual encounter with Harriet Lee and her subsequent death. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims. Continuation.

I find it concerning that, given the conformity of Mr. Hodge’s statement to existing police reports and other known variables, there is a significant chance that Ms. Lee has been indeed accosted by Jane Prentiss. I will discuss with Tim the matter, hopefully he takes it seriously enough to raise it to Elias, we should be using the Institute’s resources to deal with Jane **—[sounds of two bodies colliding, something clattering on the floor]** _Sasha!_ Oh, god, I’m so sorry, are you hurt? I’m sorry I wasn’t looking—

**SASHA**

**[Slightly winded]** No, it’s fine, I’m fine, I wasn’t looking either—

**JON**

**[Some scrambling sounds]** Here’s your stapler and your... _ah_ , that’s a lot of staples, Sasha.

**SASHA**

**[Distracted]** Oh yeah, I’m going through the boxes of unshifted through statements. Tim keeps swapping the loose pages to delay recording them and I had a thought of stapling the related pages together to make his truancy a little bit harder.

**JON**

Tim’s swapping the pages—? **[Sighs]** You’re talking about probably at least a hundred of statements, Sasha. **[Gingerly]** Do, uh, you want some help?

**SASHA**

**[Brightly]** Yes, I would love your help, thanks Jon! I’m going to do the stapling in the statements room so I wouldn’t have to move the boxes, can you help right now? Or did Tim assign you something urgent? _Oh!_ Have you eaten your lunch yet?

**JON**

No, no, he hasn’t really, I’ll help you, I’ve...just had my lunch too so **—[a door opens, squeaky]** oh, I didn’t know we’re that close to the files room already. **[Footsteps, they move inside the files room]**

**SASHA**

**[Laughs good naturedly]** Well, you were pretty distracted.

**[The door closes, squeaky]**

**[Opening boxes, paper shuffling]**

**[Stapling sounds starts and continues throughout the conversation]**

What were you recording?

**JON**

What?

**SASHA**

The tape recorder, Jon.

**JON**

Oh, yes, uh, **[a slight pause]** just making some notes on the recent statements.

**SASHA**

Nice! You think we can add them to the main recordings?

**JON**

What? No, good lord, no! They’re more like my ramblings than cohesive remarks on a case. Please, don’t tell Tim—Why are you smiling, Sasha?

**SASHA**

It’s nothing **[Jon makes a disagreeing noise]** , okay, it’s not nothing but it’s not something either... I just remembered Martin.

**JON**

_Martin?_

**SASHA**

Yes, he was recording his own ramblings the other week.

**JON**

**[Scoffs]** His _poetry_ , you mean?

**SASHA**

Yes. **[A beat, a note of amusement creeps into her voice]** Have you heard of it?

**JON**

**[Ugh]** Just bits and pieces here and there.

**SASHA**

**[Hm]** Shame, I think you would have liked Martin’s poetry.

**JON**

Why’s that?

**[Beat]**

**SASHA**

You’re both more alike than you think.

**[Long pause, stapling continues]**

**JON**

**[Sighs]** ...I don’t...hate Martin, no matter what Tim might have told you. I just **—[Frustrated stapling]**

 **[Sighs, the sound of someone desperately changing the topic]** We don’t see you much these days, Sasha. You’ve practically moved into Tim’s office. Why is that?

**SASHA**

**[Sasha groans in good humour, graciously allowing the change in topic]** _Tim._ I have to practically tie him down his chair for him to record the statements Elias needs digitised.

**JON**

**[Exasperated huffs]** Tim wasn't this outrageous when we were together in research... He’s really trying to make a statement, isn’t he?

**SASHA**

Not that it helps. I just hope he calms down soon enough with it, Elias looks more and more livid every day. I keep telling him—Tim, that is—there’s really nothing to do with it at all.

**[A long moment of silence]**

**JON**

**[Soft]** For what it’s worth, I also think you deserved the position more, Sasha.

**SASHA**

**[A beat, soft]...** Thanks, Jon.

**[Phone chirps]**

...Ugh, speak of the devil!

Tim’s text asks me to come back to his office to solve a “dire” situation. **[Stapler is placed down on the table]** Can you hold the fort here for a while, Jon? I’m pretty sure his emergency is just Mr. Joe Magnet’s LED eyes losing its batteries. Again, he keeps it on the blinking mode. I’ll be back in a jiff to finish our stapling quest!

**JON**

Yeah, sure, go ahead. **[Sasha walks out, squeaky door opens]**

**[A few seconds of stapling]**

Ah! I’ve forgotten to turn you off—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

Did they suspect anything?

**SASHA**

Martin gave me a Glance but other than that, no.

**TIM**

Ah, that figures, Jon treats you like a lost duckling treats its found mother—

**SASHA**

_Why_ , thank you for making me feel guiltier than I already am about my deception—

**TIM**

**[Overlapping with Sasha’s words]** —if we ever get divorced—

**SASHA**

**[Uh-uh]** You have to give up first your sordid affair with Jell-O before I even consider marrying you—

**TIM**

No, no, my sordid affair with Jell-O would be the possible _reason for divorce_ , after which I’m quite sure Jonny boy will cling to your skirts screaming, ‘Mom! **[Exaggerated pain]** _Mooooom, don’t leave me!_ Please let me come with _youuuu_! _’_

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** Why do you keep putting these disturbing images in my head?

**TIM**

Well, you know me, trying to hide my intense longing for you under the mask of easy nonchalance all while trying to make you laugh.

**SASHA**

**[Right]** Uh-huh. Let’s just go back to Jon and Martin—

**TIM**

Basically, it’s just that Jon still trusts you but Martin’s actually mistrustful of us both now.

**SASHA**

**[Primly]** Well, you were too obvious with Bournemouth—

**TIM**

Me? _Me?_ Excuse me, darling, but Bournemouth was definitely a ‘ _We’_ situation.

**SASHA**

No, it’s a ‘you’ situation, you could have been less obvious with the bed—

**TIM**

_We,_ because I distinctly remember someone laughing along with me—

**SASHA**

That wasn’t me. That was probably someone pretending to be me and you fell, hook, line, and sinker, to her deception.

**TIM**

Ah, ah, I know you inside out Sasha, that was you laughing with me. Bournemouth was a ‘We’ situation.

**SASHA**

**[Laughter escapes her mouth]** You!

**TIM**

_We!_

**SASHA**

_You!_

**TIM**

_We—!_

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Stapling]**

**JON**

**[Confused]** Hadn’t I turned you off already?

**MARTIN**

**[Faint footsteps]** Knock, knock!

**JON**

Martin?

**[Martin shuffles into the room and the door closes, squeakier than ever, then a small almost inaudible click!]**

**[Simultaneously, footsteps towards Jon]**

**MARTIN**

Hey, uhm, so Sasha told me to bring you tea—

**JON**

...Well, that’s thoughtful of her but she didn’t need to, I’m almost finished **[he is not, there are still at least three boxes to go through]** —

**MARTIN**

And to help you with the rest of the...you know, stapling. If-if you need to.

**JON**

**[Daintily]** Thank you, Martin. But like I said I’m almost finished, so...

**MARTIN**

**[Faint]** Yeah...yeah, uhm, I’ll just leave this for you then **[ceramic clinks on wood]** and then, I’ll leave.

**JON**

**[Voice tight]** Yes, thank you, Martin.

**MARTIN**

**[Shuffling out]** Okay, I’m leaving, now. Uhm, if you want more tea, just shout for me, yeah?

**JON**

**[Resumes stapling, dismissing]** Yes, thank you.

**[Martin opens the door]**

**[Or tries to anyway]**

**[One twist, then the other way]**

**[Then back the other way, just in case]**

**[Nope, door remains closed]**

**MARTIN**

**[Very small voice]...** Jon?

**JON**

**[Stops stapling, oblivious]...** Yes, Martin?

**MARTIN**

I think you should drink your tea.

**JON**

_Martin?_

**MARTIN**

Okay, okay, uhm, drink your tea first, it’ll calm you down.

**JON**

_Martin._

**MARTIN**

**[The doorknob being twisted to and fro]** It’s just—I, I might be wrong, but—well, uh, I think... **[Almost in a whisper]** I think the door’s _locked_.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Clicking laptop keys in the background]**

**SASHA**

How long are we going to leave them there?

**TIM**

Hm? It’s until we hear very loud, very sexual moans start and stop or we hear Jon trying to break down the door with his bony frame.

**SASHA**

Hm. You do know not everyone expresses their affection through physical means, right? We’re not matchmaking them into a one-night stand.

**TIM**

I know, I know. Martin’s intentions are _purer_ than that.

And Jon is...well, _Jon_.

Just wishful thinking things were as simple between those two.

**SASHA**

**[Huh]** That’s funny. If things were simple between them, then you will not be so engrossed in matchmaking them, will you?

**TIM**

**[Blows a raspberry at her]** I’m perfectly capable of being a complicated person, Sasha.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Rattling door knob]**

**JON**

—no, no, no, no _nonononoo—!_

**[Heavy rhythmic thuds on the door]**

**MARTIN**

Jon, stop that, you’ll hurt yourself—

**[Heavy rhythmic thuds on the door intensifies]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

_I’m an idiot!_

**SASHA**

Why? What happened?

**TIM**

I forgot to place the little, baby cameras! How are we supposed to know what’s happening there? Ugh, of all the _stupid_ things—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**JON**

Let’s not panic, I’m sure Sasha will check on us soon enough.

**MARTIN**

**[A beat, Martin was not the one frantically trying to ram the door open with his shoulders]** Yeah, sure, yeah.

**[Very long silence, they’re suddenly very much aware of how small the files room is]**

**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

Wow, was this- was this desk, or, uh, very long, very narrow table always been here against the wall before? **[Nervous chuckles]** It kind of cramped the whole place isn’t it?

**JON**

...I hadn’t noticed.

**[Very long silence again]**

**MARTIN**

We can staple while we wait?

**JON**

**[Very faint]** Staple?

**MARTIN**

Yes, staples, right?

**JON**

...Yes. You’re right, staples.

**MARTIN**

**[Awkward laughter]** Staples. Yes.

**[Awkward sounds of shuffling papers and subsequent stapling]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

Ex Altiora. From the heights? From above? From somewhere higher?

**SASHA**

‘From above’ would be the most elegant translation, I think.

**TIM**

But not the most accurate, is it? Dominic Swain mentions something about feeling as if falling. A book that makes you feel as if you were falling from somewhere higher. Huh.

Do we have a list of Leitner books, Sasha? At least the ones the Institute has been made aware of?

**SASHA**

I’ll ask Artefact Storage, there must be some kind of inventory, at least for the books in our custody. The ones simply mentioned in statements like Ex Altiora, those will be trickier, might as well make our own list.

**TIM**

It’s a pity Gerard Keay destroyed the book before we could have inspected it.

**SASHA**

Hm? Why?

**TIM**

**[A note of amusement in his voice]** Free skydiving, Sasha, we could have had it anytime we wanted.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Stapling sounds]**

**MARTIN**

It’s been almost three hours.

**[A beat]**

**JON**

**[Tired aggravation]** Why did you have to close that door, Martin?

**MARTIN**

**[Frustrated stutters]** Ho-how was I supposed to _know_ it’ll get stuck like that?

**[Jon makes answering frustrated noises]**

**[Stapling intensifies]**

**[ ~~Jon’s~~ Someone’s stomach growls very audibly, all stapling stops]**

**MARTIN**

Jon? Did you—?

**JON**

**[Trying to cover embarrassment]** Wasn’t me—! **[ ~~Jon’s~~ Someone’s stomach growls again]**

**MARTIN**

...You haven’t eaten, have you?

**JON**

I just finished your tea, I’m _fine_.

**MARTIN**

Cold tea isn’t food, Jon **. [Sounds of movement, papers and boxes are budged]**

**JON**

**[Exasperation]** Martin, what— what are you doing?

**MARTIN**

Maybe there’s something here to eat—

**JON**

_What,_ preserved paper—?

**MARTIN**

**[Delighted]** Found it! **[Crinkling packets]** There’s some biscuits here, look, these haven’t expired yet. **[He moves towards Jon]**

**JON**

**[Unbelieving noises]** Wha-that, th-that’s just irresponsible! Those things could have attracted mice or other vermin, this is an Archi— _Martin!_ **[Crashing sounds, both men exclaiming, a final heavy thud on the floor]**

**MARTIN**

**[Despairing]** Sorry, sorry, something caught my ankle, I— **[Realises the position they became tangled in, mind turns off]**

**[ ~~Jon’s~~ Someone’s breath hitched]**

**[ ~~Martin~~ Someone gulped a lungful of air]**

**[Someone inhales at the same time the other exhales]**

**[A very long moment of stillness only broken by their heavy breathing]**

**[One]**

**[Two]**

**[Three]**

**JON**

**[Breathless, for various reasons]...** Are you quite done _crushing_ me, Martin?

**MARTIN**

**[Mind turns on, quickly clambers off]** _Yes!_ I mean no—oh god, Jon, I’m sorry—

**JON**

**[Sitting up, voice tight with...something]** What did you even trip on?

**MARTIN**

Oh! I think was a rope? **[Tugging]** Oh, it’s a cord—oh, oh! **[Thrilled]** A water heater, there’s even some bottled water here, Jon! **[Jon makes some pained sounds, why are there sources of water AND heat in the files room]** And **—[More crinkling noises]** _Tea!_

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Somewhat fretful]** I hope they find the biscuits I left for them.

**TIM**

**[Through a mouthful of biscuits]** Did you leave them tea, too?

**SASHA**

Yes, there’s a working electrical socket there so I also hid a portable water heater and a couple of water bottles behind some boxes.

**TIM**

Then, they’ll be _fine_.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Slow, cautious stapling sounds]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Knock, Knock]**

**[Door quickly opens]**

**ELIAS**

Knock, knock.

**TIM**

Elias, **[flatly]** what a pleasant surprise.

**ELIAS**

**[Conversationally]** Did you know that Jon and Martin have been trapped in the files cabinet for the past four hours? I passed by the door and they made some questionable noises I couldn’t understand.

**TIM**

**[Faux innocence]** _Oh, no!_ That’s where they’ve been? We were just looking all over the Archives for them. They haven’t gotten out, have they?

**ELIAS**

...No. Although, it’s quite possible our dear Jon may have dislocated his shoulder, trying to pry the door open.

 **[In a very upbeat, corporate manager voice]** But don’t worry, that isn’t what I came down here for. Tim, let’s talk about the Archives digitisation.

 **[A long beat then in a sugary, pleasant voice]** _How has it been going?_

**TIM**

**[Sounds of shifting the bones of Mr. Jimmy Magma out of view]** _Peachy._

I’m assuming you’re specifically talking about the ones that cannot be recorded on anything except the old tape recorder? It’s _peachy_. Very difficult to record but they’re peachy.

**ELIAS**

Emotionally tolling?

**TIM**

Why, yes. _Very._ We’ve just finished the fourth recording today. Quite interesting, _Leitners_ , you see.

**ELIAS**

**[We don’t see it but he’s Looking at the skull whose nameplate today reads ‘Mr. Josh Magnum, The Magnum’s Institutes’ Esteemed Founder’, peeking out from hastily shifted tall stacks of folders on Tim’s desk.]**

**[Very pointedly]** _I see._

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Muffled]** Jon? Martin?

**[Frenzied, jostling noises]**

**[Words overlapping with each other’s]**

**MARTIN**

Sasha! Sasha, help! We’ve got locked in!

**JON**

Sasha, the door is stuck! Tell Tim we need the firemen brigade—

**MARTIN**

Or an axe!

**JON**

**[Pounding on the door]** Sasha can you hear us?

**MARTIN**

Sasha?

**[Door opens, slowly, squeakily]**

**SASHA**

**[Voice now clear]** I’m sorry, Tim started recording the Dominic Swain statement and I lost track of time—What?

**JON**

**[Very confused]** The door, it was—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

—can anybody find _meeeeeeeeeee_ , somebody to _looooooooo_ —

**[Door bangs open]**

**JON**

**[Not pleased]** _Tim!_

**TIM**

**[Pleased]** _Jon!_

**JON**

**[Not pleased at all]** Did you tamper with the door—

**TIM**

**[Confused]** What door?

**JON**

**[Angry]** The door to the files room!

**MARTIN**

Jon...

**SASHA**

Jon and Martin were locked in the statements’ room, apparently.

**TIM**

_Oh_ , that’s where you both vanished to! You could have just told me you needed—

**JON**

_Somebody_ meddled with the door!

**TIM**

As flattered as I am that you always think of me whenever this kind of situation pops up, I didn’t do whatever it is that you think I did. Ask Sasha, I’ve been busy all afternoon collating data and drafting my post-statement comments and actually recording Dominic Swain’s statement, I was very behaved. Right, Sasha?

**SASHA**

Busy, yes. Behaved, no. We could have finished sooner if someone didn’t sing in parts where there shouldn’t be singing.

**TIM**

**[Slightly slighted by that]** I was entertaining you, you could have stopped me anytime if you hated it but _you didn’t._

**JON**

**[With gritted teeth]** The door couldn’t have gotten stuck on its own.

**TIM**

**[Placating]** No worries, I’ll have it looked over tomorrow so it doesn’t trap any more of my precious assistants in its hungry maw. **[Turns to Martin]** Oh! Martin, my _darling_ , Papá was so worried! We thought you both dead! You know that if we just _knew_ that you were locked in the statements room we would have rescued you, right? But we were just so busy and you didn’t text us. **[ ~~Jon~~ Someone makes a horrified sound in the background, belatedly realising that yes, they could have phoned anytime but they forgot, oh God why did they forgot] **

I don’t know what I would have done if something actually happened to you. **[Pushes up a wet smack! on Martin’s cheek, Martin squeaks in surprise]**

**MARTIN**

**[Very embarrassed and scandalised by his fake Papá]** _Tim!_

**JON**

Are you finished with your grotesque public display of affections?

**TIM**

Not quite. **[Places another wet, loud smack on Martin’s cheek, Martin squeals again in surprise]**

**JON**

**[Acidly]** I see. I have other follow-up investigations to deal with so if you may excuse me. I’m afraid your public displays will have to remain private. **[Walks away, door bangs close]**

**TIM**

**[Lets Martin go, astonished]** Well, that didn’t work. There go Plans A and B.

**MARTIN**

**[Confused, scandalised, disgustedly wiping Tim’s slobber from his cheek]** Plan A? _Plan B_? Wh-what exactly were you expecting to happen when you attacked me with your tongue?!

**TIM**

Believe me, Martin, I wouldn’t consider that affectionate smack as either ‘attacking’ or ‘with my tongue’. You’ll definitely know when I’m ‘attacking’ someone with ‘my tongue’.

**SASHA**

**[In sing-song, has busied herself with her laptop]** Sexual harassment complaints, Tim. Sexual harassment complaints.

**MARTIN**

_What. Were. You. Expecting. TIM._

**TIM**

**[Nonchalantly]** If Plan A worked, Sasha would have been traumatised by whatever she sees inside the files room upon opening it, and you both would have been too out of it to care about any of it.

**MARTIN**

**[Betrayed]** So, you did lock us!

**TIM**

I have no idea what you’re talking about, Martin. I simply forgot to have the door checked; it’s been squeaking terribly for the past few weeks now and would have been prone to sticking. Is it my fault I’ve been burdened by the heavy responsibility of being the Head Archivist and forgot some housekeeping issue?

**[Martin makes frustrated noises]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Anyway, what does it matter? Plan A didn’t work, seeing as you both came in here with minds all too clear, I had to enact Plan B. Which for _one,_ I was expecting Mr. Sims there to be overcome with jealousy. Once he is wrought by the green eyed monster, he’ll attack me for daring to impugn on his beloved Martin’s honour and I, a loving friend who simply wants him to see the error of his ways, will accept whatever weak punch he has and let him drag _you_ away from my arms and then you’ll both ride off merrily into the sunset, hopefully satiating whatever beastly longing for each other that remains between you prudes, while I will, heroically, try to keep the Archives afloat from the ruin caused by two of my assistants simultaneously vanishing **—[Martin has huffily walked away sometime during Tim’s monologue]**

Martin? Martin!

**SASHA**

**[Still busy at her laptop]** I know you noticed by now, but let me just say it aloud: None of your jealousy-fuelled thirsty bodice-ripping fantasy happened between those two. If anything you’ve just made Jon imagine there might be something between you and Martin, after all.

**TIM**

_Ugh_ **. [Unidentified items clatter, he slumps on his desk exhaustedly]** Why’s real life matchmaking too hard?

**SASHA**

There, there. What are you gonna do next?

**TIM**

**[Muffled]** Karaoke, next Friday. I already have the reservation tickets for the four of us.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**ELIAS**

**[AhA thud on wood, then muffled screaming]** _What was I thinking?_

**PETER LUKAS**

**[Enjoying himself at the other’s suffering, there’s a german word for it but the feeling’s enough to describe itself]** That’s what you get for being a little bastard, Elias.

**[CLICK]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOES A CHAPTER HAS TO MOVE THE PLOT FORWARD? DOES A STORY HAS TO HAVE PLOT? IS IT NOT ENOUGH TO BE A PAIR OF MATCHMAKING OFFICEMATES? IS IT NOT ENOUGH TO BE TRAPPED IN A CUPBOARD WITH YOUR CRUSH?
> 
> [Updated formatting and corrections of typos]


	5. there is a lot of singing (and a piper heralding war but that’s really not the focus of the story)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unfinished recordings of Timothy Stoker, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations for soldiering through four chapters of trashy matchmaking schemes! You’ve all won an exclusive chapter of me going like ‘Tim, Tiiiiiiiim, TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM’

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

**[A sigh]** … _Right_. Might as well start it then.

**[His voice slowly becomes serious with each word]** Statement of Joshua Gillespie, regarding a…coffin he spent a couple of years alone with. Statement written November 22nd, 1998. Recording by Timothy Stoker, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

**TIM** _[Archivist]_

_It started when I was in Amsterdam for a holiday with a few of my friends. Everything you’re thinking right now, you’re right. We were all early twenties, just graduated and decided to spend a couple of weeks going crazy on the continent, so you can almost certainly fill in all the blanks yourself—_

**[‘Pumped Up Kicks’ by Foster the People Plays very loudly from a phone]**

**TIM**

**[In his normal voice]** Oh! **[Pen clatters as Tim reaches for his phone]**

**[Phone clicks, his voice is affectionately warm]** Well, well, well, look who has deigned to call his lowly mortal brother. How’s the kayaking going, squirt? Capsized yet?

**[Inaudible electronic murmur]**

**[Tim chuckles]** Yeah, I bet your arms are horrendously muscled now, aren’t they?

**[Longer inaudible electronic murmur]**

The spinner thing? Yep, just got it this morning. It’s amazing, where did you get it? **[Something is picked up from the desk and fidgeted with]**

**[More electronic murmur]**

Yeah, I still got the spare bed, but knowing you, you probably need a new blanket, how many inches have you grown taller since I last saw you? I always keep telling Dad that Mum must have had an affair with a woodwose to have you. I mean, who grows past the age of twenty one?

**[Inaudible electronic murmur]**

Hmmm, no, no! **[Laughter]** I did not tell you about her for you to use the knowledge this way, you brat! Stop that!

**[Faint electronic laughter, then more murmuring]**

Oh, you know, the normal office stuff, spooky things to archive, I’m recording a statement about a guy who accepted a coffin from a stranger and what does that tell you when I say he’s probably the smartest person I’ve ever read about in this archive?

**[A very long, inaudible electronic murmur, Tim laughs intermittently]**

No, not yet, but I did arrange them into a business trip with a hotel room with only one bed. **[Electronic murmur]**

**[More laughter from Tim]** Yup, that’s exactly what I’m hoping to happen, okay, okay, see you on Friday.

**[Phone clicks]**

**[Tim huffs fondly]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

**[Shuffling papers, to himself]** So we have the weird coffin, the weird guy who ate his notebooks, weird book, weird trash, weird one night stand that ended so horribly squirming, historical statement weirdly tucked in the 2000s files—Madam Gertrude, you seem a nice lady and all but dear god, you could have organised these statements a little more, weird house with a weird tree, weird dad, weird old man, weird...dreams. Huh. This wasn’t here before.

**[Tim’s phone plays ‘Kill of The Night’ by Gin Wigmore]**

**[Tim scrambles to answer his phone]** Sasha! It’s like you read my mind, I’m putting you on speaker, yeah?

**[** **Phone clicks]**

**SASHA**

—Amy Patel’s statement? What, why on speaker?

**TIM**

I need my hands, I’m shuffling papers **. [Paper shuffles]** What were you saying?

**SASHA**

Why are you shuffling—you know what, never mind. I was just saying I found one of Graham Folger’s notebooks, one of the trash collectors kept a notebook because, and I quote, “It was too fucking weird to just throw away.”

**TIM**

Remind me not to dispose any of my notebooks with my personal thoughts through any public means, they will hopefully die and rot in the sanctity of my own flat.

**SASHA**

Hm, well his nosiness helped us in this case. **[A beat]** Though, help might be too strong a word.

**TIM**

...What’s in the notebook?

**SASHA**

**[A deep sigh]** “Keep Watching”. Nothing else but those words. Over and over. Most of the pages are so cramped with those words, I almost couldn’t read it. Then, there are some pages where it looked as if he was practicing writing all over again. _Keep watching,_ just that.

**TIM**

**[Groans]** _Shit_ , Graham, what happened to you?

**SASHA**

I just hope Amy Patel will be more interested in giving a follow up statement once she hears about the notebook.

**TIM**

_Atta girl_. Have I ever told you how amazing you are, Sasha? If I haven’t already, I would have fallen in love with you right now, swooning on my chair like a Victorian maiden—

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** _Shut it._

**[A pause]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

What about you? You said something about me reading your mind?

**TIM**

Yeah, I found this statement by **...[Paper shuffles]** Antonio Blake? A new one?

**SASHA**

Yep, I found it yesterday, I thought at first it was one of the less weird ones but I couldn’t record it on the laptop or my phone. Why? Have you read it?

**TIM**

Just browsed through it. Is it still Rosie in charge with reception?

**SASHA**

As far as I know.

**TIM**

Maybe we should loosen up the rule regarding the dreams. I mean, we can check with the phone recorders if there is really something with the statements, instead of outright letting them go.

**SASHA**

**[Considering]** That could be done, though I’ll need Martin and Jon to help with the interviews, I’ll have a talk with Rosie about it when I get back.

**TIM**

Nah, I’ll do it. I need to stretch my legs, anyway.

**SASHA**

**[Amused]** Sure, _boss_.

**TIM**

**[Grinning]** Stop it, you. You’re making me blush, it’s unhealthy for my heart to beat wildly like this.

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** Fine, see you when I get back then, Tim.

**TIM**

**[Makes kissy noises, Sasha laughs harder]** Take care, darling.

**[Phone clicks off]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

**[Upbeat]** Statement of Amy Patel, regarding the time she obsessively watched her neighbour Graham eat his notebooks—

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Shrill ringing, Tim chuckles in the background]** _Mamma mia, here I go again, my, my, how can I resist ya? Mamma mia, does it show again, my, my, just how much I’ve missed ya?_

**TIM**

**[Crinkling sounds, singing along his ringing phone]** _YeeeeEEEES, I’ve been broken hearted, blue since the day we paaarted_ **, [muffled humming as he munches on a biscuit]** _My, my, just how much I’ve missed ya?_

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Stops ringing]**

**[A long pause, sounds of Tim eating biscuits in the background as paper shuffles and pen scritches]**

**[Starts ringing again]** _If there’s a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I’ve already won that—_

**TIM**

**[Full-bellied laughter]** My, my, you boys are getting antsy. **[Sings along, badly off-key]** _Who d’you think you’re kidding? He’s the earth and heaven to you, try to keep it hidden_ **, [high notes are not met]** _Honey we can see right through youuuu, Girl you can’t conceal it, we know how you’re feeling, who you thiiiiiinking ooOOOof!_

**[Vocalising that hurts one’s ear]**

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Stops ringing]** You have: THIRTEEN voicemails.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Door opens]**

**SASHA**

Tim, are you done recording the Gillespie statement—wha-what is _that?_

**TIM**

**[Spooky voice]** _Sasha_. Meet Mr. Johnson Magna, his bones have risen up from the depths of the Magna Institute’s forgotten corridors in protest of Mr. Bouchard’s tyrannical regime.

**SASHA**

**[Pouting]** This is unfair! Is that what Martin and Jon bought for you from Bournemouth? They got you a cool looking skeleton while I get a measly Polaroid camera?

**TIM**

I have been appointed his unquestionable voice, Sasha, his _messiah_ , so to speak. We will do great revolutionary things for the world, Mr. Magna and I.

**[Cue exaggerated evil laughter]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

**[Ugggghhh]** Statement of Dominic Swain, regarding a weird book—

**SASHA**

**[Equally Ugggghhh]** _Tiiiiiiiiim_ , I told you the format is this: Statement of “Name”, regarding events surrounding “item, if applicable” and-or involving “persons, if applicable” at “places, if identified” during “year-month-date, if known”.

**TIM**

**[Whining]** And I told you that’s only going to work for statements with neat place and time stamps. How are we going to easily summarise the statements that cannot be pigeonholed like that?

**SASHA**

**[Frustrated]** We have to start somewhere—

**MARTIN**

Knock, knock. Your door is open, Tim—Ohhh, you’re recording. Sorry.

**SASHA**

**[Groggily hopeful]** Tea? Is that tea?

**MARTIN**

**[Two ceramic clinks on Tim’s table]** Yeah, you’ve been here for a while, I thought you’d like some break.

**TIM**

**[Breathes in the tea]** Ah, my sweet, sweet summer child. We are so proud to be your parents.

**SASHA**

**[Also breathes in the tea]** You’re an angel, Martin. Jon will surely see that soon.

**MARTIN**

**[Incomprehensible pleased sounds]** Wh-where is Jon, by the way?

**TIM**

**[Sips tea]** You just missed him, he is going to the Pinhole Books in Morden, wants to see Mary or Gerard Keay and ask about Leitner books.

**MARTIN**

**[Dr** **ops the spoons he’s holding, flabbergasted]** Wha- _what_! Ge-Gerard Keay? The _murderer_?! Tim? You let him go there, _alone?!_ Are you insane? He could be hurt, he could be kidnapped—of all the _irresponsible_ things to allow! I’m following him there! He can’t go there alone! **[Stomps off quickly]**

**[A long pause]**

**SASHA**

**[Stunned]** That might just be the angriest I’ve ever seen him. **[Curious]** Although, I’m actually curious, why’d you let Jon go alone? Usually, you’ll be jumping at a chance like this to toss both of them into another scheme.

**TIM**

**[Sips tea]** Jon is serious with Leitner the same way I’m serious with Robert Smirke and the circus.

**SASHA**

Oh... I didn’t know.

**TIM**

**[Shrugs nonchalantly]** Well, you don’t get to spend three weeks of overtime in a row with a man in research without unlocking at least ten percent of his tragic back story, Sasha.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

Follow-up on the statement of Kieran Woodward regarding—

**TIM’S PHONE**

_If there’s a prize for rotten judgement,_

_I guess I’ve already won that,_

_No man is worth the aggravation,_

_That’s ancient history, been there, done that!_

**[Shuffling sounds, phone clicks]**

**TIM**

Hey, how has the interview with Mr. Woodward gone, Jon?

**[Long inaudible electronic murmur]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

I see, I see, that’s too bad. Nice work, both of you, though! Take the afternoon off.

**[Phone clicks]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

— _we were lying there in bed, exhausted, I rested my head against her shoulder. I was about to say something or other, but before I could, I felt something move. It’s hard to describe exactly but it wasn’t her shoulder that moved, it was something inside it, under the skin. It squirmed ever so slightly against my cheek_ —Oh, god _._ Sasha? _Sasha?_

**SASHA**

Keep recording that statement, Tim.

**TIM**

Sasha, I want to thank you and all the gods governing ill-advised one night stands that our hook-up ended up so much cleaner and grub-free than this.

**[Sasha sighs in the background]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

**[Shuffling paper]** There’s a Rayner here in the Wilfred Owen’s statement. Why is there a Rayner here?

**SASHA**

**[Laptop keys clicking]** Could be a coincidence, that one’s a Joseph, right? Maxwell Rayner in the Montauk statement, though... **[Long considering pause]**

**TIM**

Cult leaders and serial killers and war veterans. Why don't we get the normal ghost stories?

**SASHA**

We do get them, they just happen to be the ones that can be easily recorded into a phone or a laptop.

**TIM**

Ugh, you know what all these pipes and music makes me think?

**SASHA**

...What?

**TIM**

Karaoke.

**SASHA**

_Karaoke?_

**TIM**

_Karaoke._

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

Again?

**SASHA**

Again.

**TIM**

From the top?

**SASHA**

From the top.

**TIM**

**[Sighs]** Fine.

Statement of Dominic Swain regarding a _weird book_ **[Sasha sighs]**. Original statement written June 28th, 2013. Audio recording by Timothy Stoker, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement _fucking_ **[Sasha groans]** begins.

**TIM** _[Archivist]_

_I work as a theatre technician in various venues around the West End; I mainly deal with lights, but a lot of the smaller venues can’t afford large crews for their productions so you end up doing a little bit of everything. I guess that’s not –directly relevant to my experience but I just want you to know that I’m not some crazy person wandering in off the street. I work, I do practical things with my hands and I am not prone to crazed flights of fancy._

_That day, I was going to see a matinee performance of_ _The Trojan Women_ _at The Gate Theatre, up in Notting Hill. A friend of mine, Katherine Mendes, was in it and had been trying to get me to come to see it for a while. We’d worked together on a production of_ _The Seagull_ _—_

**TIM**

**[Breaking from his Archivist voice]** Have you seen that play, Sasha? I’ve played Konstantin once in Uni, have I told you that?

**SASHA**

He’s the guy who shot himself in the end, right?

**TIM**

**[Makes phew-phew noises]** The original Chekhov’s gun.

**SASHA**

**[Makes agreeing noises]** It’s literally the Chekhov’s gun.

**TIM**

I also played Irina in one of the runs when the original girl got some stomach bugs drinking from the water fountain at the university dorms.

**SASHA**

**[Makes more agreeing noises]** I’m certain you made a beautiful but uncaring mother, Tim.

**TIM**

Damn right, I did. I got so many fan mails; many hopeless fools fell in love with my one-night-only Irina. They practically cried for me in the next run, I felt very bad for Denise.

**SASHA**

**[Oh, really]** Mm-hm.

**[‘The Phantom of the Opera’ Theme Song starts playing from Tim’s phone, another call]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

Tim, whoever that is, they’ve called you for the third time this hour. Have mercy and answer it, will you?

**TIM**

**[The phone is brought nearer to Tim, thus to the recorder: _In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came_ ]** I can’t hear you over this wonderful music, Sasha!

**[Tim starts humming along: _that voice which calls to me and speaks my name_ ] **

**SASHA**

**[Exasperated]** _Tim_.

**TIM**

**[Singing, surprisingly hitting the notes]** And do I dream again? For now I _find...The Phaaantom of the Opera is there_ **, [suddenly in baritone]** _INSIDE MY MIND._

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** Who is that poor thing? Tim, they may really need your help, why don’t you answer it?

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[Tim flashes his phone screen at her]** _What!_ Tim! That’s _Elias_! Answer your boss!

**TIM**

**[Laughter]** _The PHAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE INSIDE MY MIIIIND_ —

**[CLICK]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trouble with writing different devices is that one day you’ll find scenes for your fic you don’t remember writing in the other device you rarely use.
> 
> 20/06/12 Edit: sorry for the update spam, I noticed some minor grammatical errors I was too excited to see last night, kindly tell me if there are others I've missed, also cleaned up the tags


	6. more singing (and something about fire???)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recording #47 – Karaoke Night! (1:05:33)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20/07/03 EDIT: I am once again apologising for the update spam. Please I offer you this [chapter companion playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0VFxKWkwd2vwLcs0ORrHYC?si=OyDxjo7YRWC3vSB2Gjyaeg) to hopefully soothe your irritation at me and my update spams.
> 
> Special thanks to [@SkeletonsLoveRockCandy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkeletonsLoveRockCandy) for correcting me on my erroneous ways!
> 
> Warning: Explicit description of drinking and alcoholic drinks, mentions of vomiting and alcohol tolerance limits.
> 
> I'm very bad at verb tenses, the way my native language treats time and tenses is very different from English and what little I've learned in elementary school dried up like a juicy little grape into an uneatable raisin.
> 
> What I'm saying is if you read something here that makes you experience timey wobbly nonsense, feel free to correct me and I'll do my best change the concerned parts. (Unless of course your proposal destroys the narrative of time as we know it, in which case I'll have to humbly reject your suggestion.)

**[CLICK]**

**JON**

**[Shuffling paper]** Notes on Case #0071304 Statement of Ivo Lensik, regarding his experiences during the construction of a house on Hill Top Road, Oxford. I’ve double checked on the report regarding one Agnes Montague Martin has unearthed—

  
**[Door opens, footsteps fading in towards Jon]**

  
**TIM**

_Jooooooooooon_ , what a pleasant Friday morning it is, isn't it?

**JON**

**[Frustrated breath]** I told you, I'm not going with you to that Karaoke Night you’re talking about—

  
**TIM**

**[Affronted]** _Wow_. Jon, do you really think I'll barge into the Archive Assistants' office and disrupt your official sounding recording just to pester you into coming to a social event that I, who is technically your boss, specifically arranged to develop our team bonding and ease our workplace environment into a pleasant one and thereby, in our _dear_ Director Bouchard’s words, “increase productivity” by reducing unnecessary stress in our quaint little office?

**JON**

**[Heavy sigh, voice flat]** Yes, what a fine morning we have, may I ask for what purpose our esteemed leader has deigned to come in at **[Pause, checks watch exaggeratedly]** 7:13 am and visit his humble archive assistant?

**TIM**

**[Sweetly]** No purpose at all, I just missed seeing your frowning face first thing in the morning! We've been friends for a long time now, haven't we, Jon?

**JON**

**[Papers crinkling, presumably from Jon’s tightening grip]** I've had the pleasure of your acquaintance for about twenty four months now, which coincidentally are the twenty four most stressful months I've ever had.

**TIM**

Oh, don't say it like _that_! I'm _blushing!_ But speaking of stress, I've just thought of a solution. What do you say, if we all here in the Archives, just a thought that popped in my head, _just now_ , go out for a few beers and karaoke? Tonight? Want to come?

**JON**

**[Voice couldn’t get any flatter]** No.

**TIM**

Oh come on! It'll be fun! 

**JON**

**[Prim]** No, thank you. I, in your own words, Tim, “do not vibe with fun”.

**TIM**

People change, Jon. You can start tonight. **[Considering pause]** Besides you'll make someone's birthday complete if you come with us tonight.

**JON**

**[Voice frowning]** It isn't your birthday today.

**TIM**

**[Suspiciously light]** Maybe my birthday's tomorrow.

**JON**

**[Voice frowning harder]** It isn't your birthday tomorrow either.

**TIM**

And how are you so sure about that?

**JON**

Because last year, Timothy Stoker, I froze my arse waiting outside that blasted cafe always flooded with students pretending to study when they are in fact just fluttering their eyelashes at each other, with a mad flurry of icicles getting into every inch of my being, in a very long queue to get you that specific rainbow layered ice cream cake you can't spend your bloody birthday without! In winter! Who gets ice cream cake in winter?!

**TIM**

**[Ah, yes, remembering]** That was good ice cream cake.

**JON**

**[You're damned right it was]** But now it's summer, Tim, and you're not begging for ice cream cake, so that's why I know for sure it isn't your birthday today. Or tomorrow.

**TIM**

**[Voice pouting]** _Fine_. It isn't. **[Long considering pause]** But are you sure you don't want to come with us?

**JON**

**[No pause at all]** Yes.  
  


**TIM**

**[Sighs]** Jon, I really didn't want to do this. But you give me no choice. **[Suspicious pause]** Remember when I told you that Danny had an esoteric college bands phase and I used to go with him at some concerts? **[Jon makes an aborted sound]** And there was this one concert in particular that I rewatched one lazy Saturday afternoon and I _just can't_ put a finger on why upon rewatching their vocalist suddenly seems so familiar?

  
  
**JON**

**[Warning]** Tim-

  
**TIM**

**[Very upbeat]** And I showed you—you who were swamped in woolly cardigans and thick glasses and with heavy bags under your eyes— and you somehow recognized him? **[incomprehensible protesting sounds from Jon accompanied by the sounds of a phone being fwip!ed out from someone’s trousers and fiddled with]** This very charismatic man—

**TIM’S PHONE**

[**[Organ plays, a familiar voice emphatically declaims in a mockery of a southern american preacher]** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=580aMDZhzwg&t=9836s) [  
](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=580aMDZhzwg&t=9836s) [**_My friends  
My people  
My flock_** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=580aMDZhzwg&t=9836s)

**[Phone’s player paused]**

  
**[Squeaking of Jon’s chair wheels as he gets up and tries to grapple with Tim for the phone]**

**[Sounds of Jon failing to do any that and Tim’s deep laughter]**

  
**JON**

**[Angrily flustered, you will not be wrong to imagine him blushing]** _Tim!_ I trusted you. Out of everyone here in this Institute you were the only one I trusted not to make this _prank_ —  
  


**TIM**

**[Chirpily]** This is not a prank, my dear Jon. This is _blackmail_. Last I checked, there's still a difference between those two.

**JON**

**[Unbelieving]** _If you think_ —

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Phone's player unpaused]**

  
[**_I have had a vision—!_** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=580aMDZhzwg&t=9846s)

  
**[Volume turned down]**

**TIM**

**[Calls out, sing song]** Sashaaaaa! _Martiiiiin,_ come see, you won’t believe what I found—  
  


**JON**

**[Shushing him]** _Fine_! Fine. **[Reluctant]** I'll go to that blasted outing tonight.

  
**TIM**

**[Very rapid]** And you'll sing at least five songs.

**JON**

One.

**TIM**

Three.

  
**JON**

One!

**TIM**

**[Fine]** One but I'll show the pictures from your last concert to Martin.

**JON**

No!

**[Volume of Tim's phone is turned up** **]**

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Same voice but it has started singing in low, very rough, and dare i say, _sexy_ voice]**   
[**_Your soul is connected to the world you're in  
You're dragging it down with the weight of your sin_** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=580aMDZhzwg&t=9864s)

**JON**

**[In a shrill voice trying to drown out the next part of the song]** _Fine!_ Two.

**TIM**

**[Claps]** Now, we're bargaining!

  
**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Slow, heavy, continuous footsteps]**

**MARTIN**

_Someone has asked, ‘What’s in a name?’_

_Is it the shape the mouth makes?_

_The way letters together—_

  
**[Quicker, lighter footsteps fade in]**

**SASHA**

**[Panting]** _Martin!_ Finally, I caught up! Jesus, your legs are too long! Your step is like three metres wide.

**MARTIN**

**[Stammers]** Oh, oh sorry, I didn’t hear you—

**SASHA**

Oh! Sorry! Were you recording?

**MARTIN**

Yeah, I’ve gotten used to the just turning my recorder when an idea hits me—

**SASHA**

**[Lightly]** Even when you’re walking? 

**[Martin chuckles]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[Voice turns apologetic]** Sorry, I just wanted to walk with you to the Archives.

**MARTIN**

**[Voice smiling]** It’s fine I can do this later.

**[Fabric rustles as Sasha links her arm with Martin’s]**

**[Footsteps continue as they converse, Martin’s audibly slower]**

**SASHA**

**[Conspiratorily]** You excited for tonight? 

**MARTIN**

**[Clears throat]** About that…I don’t think I can come anymore.

**SASHA**

What! _Why?_

**MARTIN**

Well, Jon—I mean, there’s a lot of work, filing and case categorising left, I was thinking of requesting overtime tonight—

**SASHA**

Martin, it’s _Friday._

**MARTIN**

I know, I know, I just thought— **[faint sound of a door opening, then closing]** Oh! Tim!

**SASHA**

My, my, someone’s early today. It’s still five minutes to eight o’clock, why are you in already?

**TIM**

**[Voice faint at first but slowly gets clearer as they come closer to him, he’s very lively]** Well, you know that saying about the early birds and the early worms. Personally, I find the morale of that story to be, as worms, we all should be as late as fashionably possible. But, hey look, sometimes being early works.

**SASHA**

I rather think the point of that story is catching your prey unaware.

**TIM**

Which I definitely did today, thank you for asking, Sasha!

**MARTIN**

Did you need something from Jon?

**TIM**

Huh?

**MARTIN**

You were in our office, Tim? Before eight in the morning?

**TIM**

Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact, I needed something from him! **[Grinning]** And I got it. Anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. You both excited for tonight?

**SASHA**

**[Quick]** Martin says he’s not going anymore!

**TIM**

_What!_ No, that can’t do!

**MARTIN**

I just thought I’ll help Jon instead with some of the follow up investiga—

**TIM**

**[Victorious, voice audibly louder]** Jon’s coming with us to the bar tonight!

**[Sasha cheers; Martin stutters]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Isn’t that lovely?

**SASHA**

**[More fabric rustling as she tugs excitedly on Martin’s arm]** You can’t ditch us now! Even Jon’s going!

**[Incomprehensible sounds of mixed dread and excitement from Martin]**

**TIM**

**[Firm]** _Martin_.

**MARTIN**

**[Voice of someone that has given up to excitement]** Okay. _Okay!_

**TIM**

**[Very upbeat]** Cool! Now all we need to do is wait out this day—

**SASHA**

You mean do our work which we get paid for.

**TIM**

**[Still upbeat]** Yes, I mean, do the work we get paid for and get out early!

**SASHA**

On time.

**TIM**

**[Still very upbeat]** And get out on time!

**[Fabric rustles as Sasha disentangles her arm from Martin’s]**

**SASHA**

See you at lunch, Martin!

**MARTIN**

Yeah, see you both.

**[Footsteps; Tim and Sasha’s conversation fading out]**

**TIM**

Sasha, I’ve some samples from the karaoke bar, I told you they make their own mixes-

**SASHA**

You brought alcohol? In the Archives? At eight o'clock in the morning?

**TIM**

You're not going to tell Elias, are you?

**SASHA**

…Of course not!

**MARTIN**

**[Huffs at the two, then realises the recorder is still on]** Oh, the tape!

  
  
**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[Voices faintly echoing in the karaoke room]**

**[The tape recorder is placed on the table surrounded by their seats]**

**SASHA**

Tim, you really brought that here?

**TIM**

Of course, this **[pats recorder]** is for posterity's sake! Our successors must know how their predecessors have fun! And sing and bond and sing and have fun! Speaking of fun, everyone choose your own songs! I'm getting us drinks! **[A phone is unhooked from its holder]** Check the drawer under the screen for the mics and the songbook!

**[Someone moves away from the tape recorder, presumably to get the songbook and the microphones]**

**MARTIN**

Tim, just soda for me!

**SASHA**

**[Voice slightly faint]** _Martin!_ This is a corporate social event! We're getting something that will lower inhibitions! **[A drawer is opened]** _Ah_ , four microphones. Perfect!

**[She shuffles back to their seats, four metallic thuds and one heavy thump!]**

**TIM**

We are getting sloshed tonight, Martin! Jon, I better see you pick out your songs!

**JON**

**[Gruff]** I’m not drunk enough for this.

**TIM**

Well then, aren’t you lucky this is a karaoke _bar_? Wine for you?

**JON**

**[Resigned]** Their driest red, please.

**[Songbook is flipped through]**

**TIM**

**[Dials, pauses for a moment, voice very charming]** _Hi_ , this is room five. A pitcher each of the House’s Bellini, Rossini and Mimosa mixes, with extra strawberries, please. Two pitchers of water, oh that’s on the house, thank you. And, uh, what are your available wines? **[Pause]** Hm, a bottle of Romanian Pinot Noir, then, and four of tonight’s Chef’s Recommendation. **[Pause]** Yes, please, thank you! **[Hooks phone back]**

**JON**

**[Wry]** Should I even ask who’s paying for this?

**TIM**

**[Grinning]** This is a team building exercise, of course it’s on the Institute’s expenses!

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** It’ll give Elias further reason to see Peter Lukas, anyway. _Tiiiiiim_ , I can’t pick a song yet, you sing first. **[The sounds of the songbook being passed around]**

**MARTIN**

**[Very confused]** What?

  
**[Tim flips through the book and quickly starts entering his song]**

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** That was fast.

**MARTIN**

**[Still confused]** Wait. What was that bit with Elias and Peter?

**TIM**

**[Snickers]** Oh, Sasha and I, through purely objective deductive reasoning of course—

**SASHA**

With some significant amount of testimonies from Rosie.

**TIM**

With some significant amount of testimonies from Rosie, yes—about how Mr. Lukas spends rather long hours in “private meetings” with Elias—found out that Elias is getting the Institute’s funds from the alimonies provided by his multiple divorces with one Mr. Peter Lukas.

**MARTIN**

_What_. **[Confused sounds]**

**JON**

**[Scoffs, overlapping with Martin]** Good lord, next thing you’ll be saying is Elias is actually an immortal Jonah Magnus because of the way he utters his t’s.

**[All noises stop for a rather long moment]**

**TIM**

**[Slow epiphany]** _Yes._ You saw the way he loops his g’s, it’s exactly the same g’s from Mr. Magnet’s preserved notes.

**JON**

**[Exasperated]** No!

**SASHA**

**[Considering]** Yes, now that you mentioned it, Elias’ handwriting has become rather Gregorian compared to what I’ve seen from his notes when he was a filing clerk. **[Jon makes a distressed sound at this]** But, Tim, that would beg the question, whose bones are you watching over then? **[Tim makes a distressed sound at this]**

**[Someone knocks on the door thrice]**

**MARTIN**

Oh! That must be the drinks. **[Gets up to fetch said drinks]** Please let’s talk about something else other than Elias.

**[Door opens and closes]**

**[Something metallic is placed next to the tape recorder]**

**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

It’s a fifteen-minute wait for the food, but they’ve provided a platter of chips and nuts on the house.

**TIM**

_Alright!_ Let us shelve this ‘Elias-is-secretly-Jonah-Magnus’ theory for another day. Who wants to _sing?_ Sasha, the microphone please!

**[Microphones are handed out as drinks are poured]**

**[Several conversations occur almost simultaneously]**

**[CONVERSATION 1]**

**MARTIN**

Should, should I open your wine, Jon?

**JON**

Yes, **[clears throat]** yes, please.

**[Ice in the wine bucket clinks against the glass bottle which is picked up and uncorked]**

**[Sloshing liquid]**

**JON** _[cont’d]_

…Thank you, Martin. **[Awkward beat]** Would you, would you like some?

  
**MARTIN**

**[Nervous laughter]** Maybe later.

**[CONVERSATION 2, SIMULTANEOUS WITH CONVERSATION 1]**

**SASHA**

**[Takes a sip of her cocktail]** _Oh my god!_ This is so delicious! How did Danny find this place?

**TIM**

**[Munching on the chips]** I think he’s going out with the manager? Not sure if the dating bit happened before or after finding this bar. He’s being cagey about the details.

**SASHA**

Huh. You let him date without seeing the girl?

**TIM**

Oh, I met them already! They’re actually wonderful, which is why I’m wondering why he’s being shy with details now.

**[CONVERSATION 3, HALF SECOND AFTER CONVERSATION 2]**

**SASHA**

_Martin!_ Why are you holding a glass of water?

**MARTIN**

I’m fine with water! I love water!

**[CONVERSATION 4, TWO SECONDS AFTER CONVERSATION 2]**

**TIM**

Jon! I’m going to sing now! You’re singing after me!

**[He hits play and turned his microphone on and a slight microphone feedback is heard]**

**JON**

No! I’m not drunk enough!

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** Then make sure you’re drunk enough after three songs!

**[Sasha cheers and Martin claps politely in the background as Tim stands up]**

** [‘ _KISSES OF FIRE’_ BY ABBA STARTS PLAYING] **

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** Sing something from this decade next time, Tim!

**TIM**

**[On microphone, Dramatic TM voice]** _Lay your head on my chest so you hear every beat of my heart  
Now there's nothing at aaaall that can keep us apart  
  
_

**SASHA**

**[whispers as Tim keeps singing in the background]** _Martiiiiiin_ , try this mimosa!

**MARTIN**

Sasha, I—

**[Sasha takes his water away and pushes the mimosa into his hands]**

**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

_One glass._

  
**SASHA**

**[Not listening]** It's very _gooood_ , Jon try it too!

**JON**

**[The voice of someone hugging their glass of wine close to their chest]** No, thank you.

**TIM**

**[On microphone, now in his Husky TM voice]** _Kisses of fire, burning, burning  
I'm at the point of no returning  
Kisses of fire, sweet devotions  
Caught in a landslide of emotiooO **OOOOOOO** Ooons  
_  
 **[You can hear Tim start galloping around the table, ~~Jon~~ someone faintly utters ‘dear god’]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone, still in his Husky TM voice] **_I've had my share of love affairs and they were nothing compared to this_  
 _Ohhhhhh, I'm riding higher than the sky and there is fire in every kiss  
_ **[In sudden baritone]** _Kisses of fire, Kisses of fiiiiiire  
_  
  
 **[Tim slightly panting]**

**  
[Martin and Sasha cheers]**

  
**TIM**

**[On microphone, back to Dramatic TM voice]** _When you sleep by my side I feel safe and I know I belong  
Still it's making me scared that my love is so strong  
Losing **YOU** It's a nightmare, babe, and to me it's new  
Never before did you see me begging for moooooooooore_

**[The songbook is picked up and flipped through as Tim sings]**

**MARTIN**

Go, Tim!

**[Someone heavily gulps something as songs are entered into the queue]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Kisses of fire, burning, burning  
I'm at the point of no returning  
Kisses of fire, sweet devotions  
Caught in a landslide of emotiooO **OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO** Ooons  
I've had my share of love affairs but they were nothing compared to this_  
 **[Voice cracking, Sasha laughs]** _OOOH **HHH** HHHHh, I'm riding higher than the sky and there is fire in every kiss_

**JON**

What are you doing with your body, Tim?

**SASHA**

Yes, caress that chest, Tim!

  
**TIM**

**[On microphone, voice tinged with breathless laughter]** _Kisses of fire, burning, burning  
I'm at the point of no returning  
Kisses of fire, sweet devotions  
Caught in a land-slide of EMOTIOOO **OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO** OOONS_

**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

 _Ninety!_ I want to see anybody top that!

**SASHA**

Let's see.

  
  
**[Sounds of Tim sitting down near the recorder and Sasha getting up, feedback from Sasha's mic]**

  
  


  
**[‘ _REFLECTION’_ BY LEA SALONGA STARTS PLAYING] **

  
  
**TIM**

**[Takes a long drink before laughing]** What happened to singing songs from this decade, Sasha?

**SASHA**

**[On microphone, laughing]** HUSH!

  
**TIM**

Jon! Martin! Drink!

**JON**

I’d rather not on an empty stomach.

  
**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Look at me  
_  
 **[Tim cheers wildly as both Jon and Martin claps politely]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _I will never pass for a perfect bride  
Or a perfect daughter_

**[Knock on the door, Tim answers it as Sasha continues singing]**

**[Door opens, low murmuring]**

**[Door closes]**

**TIM**

Food!

**MARTIN**

Wow, that was fast. They said it'll be a fifteen minute wait but-

**[Several metallic and ceramic things placed near the tape recorder]**

**JON**

**[Starts as grumpy but ends up rather hungry]** Who did you have to seduce for them to serve us like this, Tim?

**TIM**

**[Genuine laughter]** No one actually, you’ll have to blame this on my brother’s charms. **[A beat]** Ha! Charms which he inherited from yours truly so you can blame me, after all.

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Whooooooo is that girl I see  
Staring straight, back at me  
Why is my reflection someone IIII **IIIIII** IIII don't knoooooow  
Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried  
When will my reflection show who I am _**[her voice cracks and someone makes a symphathetic noise]** _insiiiii **iiiIIIIIIiii** iiiiiide_

**[Everyone claps as Tim whistles]**

_  
_**[On microphone]** _When will my reflection show who I am insiiiiide_  
 **  
**  
 **[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**TIM**

_Eighty nine!_ It’s alright, Sasha, I still love you even if I’m much a better singer than you.

**SASHA**

I was just warming up! This is my real song!

**[Sounds of cutlery against plates and several someones drinking]**

**MARTIN**

You don’t want to eat first?

**SASHA**

Later after this song! Just start without me!

  
**[‘ _FIGHT SONG’_ BY RACHEL PLATTEN STARTS PLAYING] **

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Like a small boat on the ocean  
Sending big waves into motion  
Like how a single word can make a heart open_

**[Tim starts singing along with his mouth full of chips]**

_  
_**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _I might only have one match  
But I can make an explosion_

**[Sasha's singing is overlaid by the boys arranging their dinner]**

_  
_**[Metallic clinks against ceramic]**

**MARTIN**

So we have barbeque.

**TIM**

Lots of barbeque!

**MARTIN**

Four cups of fried garlic rice, mashed potato, coleslaw, and what's this, Tim?

**[Sounds someone taking a swig of their drink then refilling their cup]**

**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

Tim?

**TIM**

Oh, uh, canton noodles with shrimp and pork and vegetables, at least that's what the little name card that comes with it say. Smells good anyway.

**[More utensils clinking as Martin starts doling out servings onto the plates]**

**MARTIN**

Jon? Barbeque?

**JON**

Yes, thank you.

**[Tim grabs a handful of chips]**

**TIM**

Their fried rice is perfect, not too greasy but very flavourful.

**[Jon tentatively reaches for something over on the other side of the tape recorder.]**

**[Martin finishes scooping up the noodles and rests the serving spoon on an empty bowl near the tape recorder.]**

**[Fabric rustling, their hands colliding with each other.]**

**MARTIN**

**[Flustered]** Oh, sorry, sorry, I—

**JON**

**[Flustered too]** Sorry, the strawberries—

**[Tim frustrated, munching on his chips]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep_

_Everybody's worried about me (in too deep)_

_Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)_

_And it's been two years I miss my home_

_But there's a fire burning in my bones_

_Still believe, yeah, I still believe_

**MARTIN**

Sasha, would you like if I prepare a plate for you?

**[She makes an agreeing sound on the mic.]**

**TIM**

She'll take the lot!

**[Flabbergasted sounds from Martin as Tim indiscriminately heaps food onto Sasha's plate.]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Believe me she'll eat it all.

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain  
I will scream them loud tonight, can you hear my voice? _

_This time this is my fight song  
Take back my life song  
Prove I'm alright song_

**[Eating and drinking sounds]**

**TIM**

Martin, why am I seeing that glass still full? Drink! Drink! Drink!

**MARTIN**

I'm pacing myself—

**TIM**

Look even Jon is drinking and having a good time-

**JON**

**[Sniffs]** I am not.

**TIM**

Yes, you are!

**[Tim chugs down his drink, enters his next song]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

C’mon, guys! We're here to get rowdy!

**[Pause in song, Sasha drinks from the glass in her hand, a long gulp that is emphasised by her mic.]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Like a small boat on the ocean  
Sending big waves into motion  
Like how a single word can make a heart open  
I might only have one match  
But I can make an explosion_

**[Tim starts seconding]**

**[Fond, exasperated breaths from Martin]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _This is my fight song_

**TIM**

Fight song!

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Take back my life song_

**TIM**

Life song!

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Prove I'm alright sooOOOooong_

**TIM**

Alright song!

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _My power's turned on (starting right now I'll be strong)  
I'll play my fight song and I don't really care if nobody else belieeeeeeeeves  
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me  
Know I've still got a lot of fight left in me  
  
_

**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**SASHA**

Did you see that 93% Tim? That's how you sing!  
  


**TIM**

Ah, you want to play it that way, huh?

**MARTIN**

**[Oh no]** Is this, is this a competition?

**TIM**

**[Oh yes]** It is now!

**JON**

**[Woefully]** I'm not drunk enough for this

  
  
**[Tim turns on his mic, very loud feedback]**

  
  
  
** [‘ _WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL’_ BY ONE DIRECTION STARTS PLAYING] **   
  


**JON**

Oh, god.  
  


**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _You're insecure, don't know what for  
You're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or_

**[Sasha giggling, then drinking]**

**SASHA**

Let's play a game! Every time Tim sings the word 'beautiful' we'll all take a drink, okay?

**JON**

Ugh.

**SASHA**

Come on, it won't be fun if it's only me and Tim drinking!

**JON**

_I—_

**SASHA**

_JooOOOon!_

**JON**

**[Resigned to his fate]** Alright _._

 _  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _Baby, you light up my world like nobody else  
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed  
But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell  
You don't know, oh-oh (You don't know you're beautiful)_

**[They all drink, Sasha exhales a big satisfied breathe as she finishes her glass]**

**SASHA**

Is that Merlot, Jon?

**JON**

No, it's Pinot Noir.

**SASHA**

Can I have some?

**JON**

**[Warning]** I don't think you'll like it.

**[Sounds of Jon lifting the wine from the ice bucket and filling Sasha's glass]**

_  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _You don't know, oh-oh  
You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh  
That's what makes you beautiful_

**SASHA**

**[Crowing]** Two drinks!

**[They drink, two gulps each]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone, laughing at them]** _So co-come on, you got it wrong  
To prove I'm right, I put it in a so-o-ong  
I don't know why you're being shy  
And turn away when I look into your eye-eye-eyes  
Everyone else in the room can see it  
Everyone else, but you, ooh_

 _  
_**SASHA**

 **[Smacking her lips]** _Bleugh_ , the aftertaste is disgusting **[Faint sounds of chewing, she starts eating a barbeque]**.

**JON**

**[Makes a sympathetic noise but takes a long sip]** I told you, you won't like it.

**MARTIN**

The mimosa is actually good, it's just fruity.

**SASHA**

It is, isn't it!

 _  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _You don't know o-oh you're **beautiful**_

**[Laughter and chuckles, clinks as glasses are raised from the table]**

**SASHA**

Drink! 

_  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _If only you saw what I can see  
You'll understand why I want you so desperately  
Right now I'm lookin' at you, and I can't believe  
You don't know, oh-oh  
You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh  
That's what makes you beautifuuuul_

**[They drink two times again]**

**[Sasha refills Martin's cocktail and Jon's wine in succession as Tim chants na-na-na in the background]**

**SASHA**

To mimosas and Pinot noirs!

**JON and MARTIN**

To mimosas and Pinot Noirs.

**[Glasses clinking, more drinking noises]**

**SASHA**

Martin, give me that play book!

**[Pages flipping then electric beeps as Sasha enters another song]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Baby, you light up my world like nobody else  
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed  
But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell  
(You don't know, oh-oh) You don't know you're beautiful_

**SASHA**

DRINK!

**[Sasha finishes her wine]**

**SASHA**

Martin, please pass the Bellini—

**MARTIN**

The orange one?

**SASHA**

Yes. **[Sounds of a pouring drink]** Want some?

**MARTIN**

Uh, I still have— **[Sasha refills his glass]**

**SASHA**

The fun thing about cocktails is you can mix them, Martin.

 _  
  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone, breathless]** _But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell  
You don't know, oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful_

**SASHA**

Another one, boys!

**[Several people drinking simultaneously]**

_  
  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _If only you saw what I can see  
You'll understand why I want you so desperately  
Right now I'm lookin' at you, and I can't believe_

 _  
_ **[Tim panting, Sasha cheers him on]** _You don't know, oh-oh  
You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh  
You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh  
That's what makes you **beautifuuuul**_

**SASHA**

**[Gleeful]** And that's three!

**[Jon groans but still drinks with them]**

  
**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**SASHA**

Ninety one! Who's a better singer now huh?

**TIM**

Darling, if we average our scores we're both tied at 91.

**SASHA**

Your average is 90.5!

**TIM**

It'll be rounded off to 91, trust me.  
  


**SASHA**

Alright, this will be our tiebreaker then.

**[Tim laughs as she taps her microphone on]**  
  
  
  
  
 **[‘ _STRONGER (WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU)’_ BY KELLY CLARKSON STARTS PLAYING] **   
  


**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _You know the bed feels warmer sleeping here alone_

**TIM**

**[Dramatic TM]** Ouch!

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _You know I dream in colour and do the things I want_

**[Jon absentmindedly sucks on a strawberry]**

**[Martin makes some faint incomprehensible noises]**

**[Tim sighs]**

**TIM**

**[Pouts]** Guys, come one let's do another drinking game. I couldn't participate with your last one.

**JON**

No. **[Tim whines at him]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Think you left me broken down, think that I'd come running back  
Baby you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger_ **[Tim echoes her words]** _  
Stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter  
Footsteps even liiiiighter, doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone_

**TIM**

Come on, when Sasha sings stronger we'll-

**JON**

No.

**TIM**

Why not?

**JON**

Just because.

**[Martin laughs hysterically]**

**TIM**

**[Betrayed]** Gah! Traitors, drinking for Sasha only! I'll just call room service for more chips! **[Unhooks phone, sullen]** More chips in room five, please.

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _You heard that I was starting over with someone new  
They told you I was moving on over you_

**[Tim munching sulkily on the chips, flipping through the songbook and entering multiple songs]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone, laughter enters Sasha's singing voice]** _You didn't think that I'd come back (I'd come back swinging)  
You try to break me but you see what doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter  
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone_

**TIM**

Come ooooon. Driiiiink for me.

**JON**

No.

**SASHA**

**[On microphone, Laughter breaking through her words]** _What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger (Just me, myself and I)  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (Stand a little taller)  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone_

**[Martin takes a sip, then another, and another.]**

**TIM**

**[Crowing]** That’s it, Martin, my boy!

**MARTIN**

**[Smiling]** Only because it actually tastes good.

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Thanks to you I got a new thing started  
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted  
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me  
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning  
In the eeeEE **EE** Eeend...What doesn't kill you makes you stronger_

**TIM**

**[Urging]** Just a sip, Jon!

**[Jon takes a sip after a rather fond huff, Martin drinks too]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Yes! Sasha, did you see that!

**[Sasha huffs a little]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter  
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger_

**[Sound of refilling drinks and cutlery clinking on plates as they eat their dinner]**

**[Jon starts humming along, faintly]**

**[Martin squeaks, also faintly]**

_  
_**SASHA**

 **[On microphone]** _What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (Stand a little taller)  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger  
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (Stand a little taller)  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone (When I'm alone)_

  
  
**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**SASHA**

Look at that! Another ninety three! I'm at a ninety two average now Tim!

**TIM**

**[Chuckles]** We'll see about that. **[Slight feedback from Tim's microphone]**

  
  
**[‘TAKE ME TO CHURCH’ BY HOZIER STARTS PLAYING] **   
  


**TIM**

**[On microphone, Deep Baritone ™ voice]** _My lover's got humour, she's the giggle at a funeral_

**SASHA**

Gah! Two songs in row, Tim? Martin, quick, sing after me, let's remove Tim from the mic!

**MARTIN**

Do we really have to do that, Sasha? We've got like four mics between us.

**SASHA**

Trust me, don't let him hog the singing.

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Every Sunday's getting more bleak, a fresh poison each week  
"We were born sick", you heard them say it  
My church offers no absolutes, she tells me, "Worship in the bedroom"  
The only Heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you  
I was born sick, but I love it—Command me to be well  
Amen, Ameeeen, Ameeeeeen_

 _  
_**SASHA**

Ameeeeeen!  
  


**MARTIN**

Sasha...are you drunk?

  
**SASHA**

Just a little tipsy! Tim brought flasks of cocktail samples in the archives earlier—

  
**JON**

What?!

**SASHA**

Shh, shh, it's fine my alcohol tolerance is great! I'm never past tipsy! See, I can still eat this strawberry! **[Chewing sounds]  
  
**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Good God, let me give you my life—_ Why is no one singing with me?

**[Sasha starts vocalising]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _If I'm a pagan of the good times, my lover's the sunlight  
To keep the Goddess on my side, she demands a sacrifice  
Drain the whole sea, get something _**[Tim's voice cracks]** _shiny  
Something meaty for the main course, that's a fine looking high horse  
What you got in the stable? (We've a lot of starving faithful)  
That looks tasty, that looks plenty (this is hungry work)_

**[Martin starts singing along under his breath]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone, Hams up the Theatrics]** _Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me my deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life_

**[Jon huffing under his breath, fond exasperation]**

**[Someone's cutlery clinks with the plates and slight chewing sounds are heard]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me my deathless death  
Good Gooooood, let me give you my life_

**[Tim claps his hands as Sasha sings along]**

**TIM and SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _No masters or kings when the ritual begins  
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin  
In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene  
Only then I am human, only then I am clean  
OOOhhhh, Aaaaaamen, Aaaaamen, Ameeeeen_

**ALL, EVEN JON**

Amen!

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life_

**[Drinking, drinks refilling]**

**[Someone flips through the songbook]**

**SASHA**

_Martin!_ Let's choose your song.

**[Flipping pages]**

**[Martin stutters]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

Come on, there's nothing to be shy about, it's just the four of us. You've heard Tim's voice! Anyone else's is better than that!

**TIM**

**[Breaks off from the song]** Hey, I've heard that! _  
  
_ **[On microphone]** _I was born sick, but I love it  
Command me to be well  
Aa **aaaaa** aamen, aaaamen, ameeEE **EE** EEeeen  
Take me to church  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me that deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life_

**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]** _  
  
_

**TIM**

Sasha, I got a 94! Did you see that? I'm at 93.5!  
  


**SASHA**

Hush, we're choosing a song for Martin and it's 92.5.  
  
 **[Flipping pages]**

**TIM**

My throat’s dry, where’s our sweet, sweet water?

**MARTIN**

Here. **[Water pouring, then Tim’s grateful gulps]**

  
  
  
**[‘ _SIGH NO MORE’_ BY MUMFORD AND SONS STARTS PLAYING] **

**SASHA**

Ah, that's another Tim song—Ha! I'll sing this one! Martin, c'mon pick a song!

**MARTIN**

Uh. **[random page flipping]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Serve God, love me, and mend (This is not the end)  
Live unbruised we are friends and I'm sooooooorry (I'm sooO **OO** Ooooorry)_

**MARTIN**

This one for me, then.

**SASHA**

....You sure?

**MARTIN**

Yeah, that's, that's the only title I recognise.  
  


**SASHA**

Okay then, entering the song...pick another one! Let's sing it together!  
 **  
[Martin quickly flipping through the book]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Sigh no more, no more (One foot in sea, one on shore)  
My heart was never pure (You knooooooooow me)  
You knooooooO **OOO** OOooooooow me  
And man is a giddy thing (Oh man is a giddy thing)  
Oh man is a giddy thing (Oh man is a giddy thing)_

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Jon! Don't think I don't see you sulking there in the corner! Sing!

**JON**

I'm not drunk enough for this!

**TIM**

Then drink more!  
  


**MARTIN**

This!  
  


**SASHA**

Nice! I love that song! Let's queue it up

 _  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,  
It will set you free, be more like the man you were made to be  
There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see,  
The beauty of love as it was made to be_

**[Sasha cheers]**

**[Jon's finger taps along the song and he breathes the song under his breath]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,  
It will set you free, be more like the man you were made to be  
There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see,  
The beauty of love as it was made to be_

**[Jon's singing under his breath gets a little louder, just barely, but Martin takes a deep gulp of his drink]**

**[On microphone, we don’t see it but he air guitars]** _Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,  
It will set you fre **eee** ee, be more like the man_ **[in sudden baritone]** _you were made to be  
There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see  
The beauty of love as it was made to be  
_  
  
 **[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**  
  


  
**[Continuous page flipping]**

  
**TIM**

Ah, are you hoarding the song book? Sasha, your song is up.

  
**SASHA**

Another ninety three? That's the best you can do?

  
  


  
**[‘ _THE SCIENTIST_ BY COLDPLAY STARTS PLAYING] **

**TIM**

This song feels like goodbye. Are you saying goodbye, Sasha?

**SASHA**

**[Chuckling]** Am not!

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you, tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apaaaaart_

**[Jon refills his wine glass and we hear him singing along, very faintly]**

**[Martin's breath catches]**

_  
_**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions  
Oh let's go back to the staaaart  
Running in circles, coming up taaaaails  
Heads on a science apart_

**[Tim chews on his barbeque and drinks his mimosa]**

_  
_**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Noooobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
Oh, take me back to the start_

**TIM**

Sashaaaaaaaaaa, whyyyy?

 _  
_**SASHA**

 **[On microphone, ignoring Tim]** _I was just guessing at numbers and figures  
Pulling your puzzles apaaA **A** Aaart  
Questions of science, science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heaaAAAaart_

**[Jon vocalises softly, inattentive but catching the right tones, interspersed with eating nuts and sipping wine]**

**[We don't see it but Martin is trying to hide his smitten smiles by downing his entire glass of Bellini]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start  
Running in circles, chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are_

**[Chewing and drinking background noises, Tim is observing the other two over his own glass of Rossini. He lets out a soft breath as he and Sasha makes eye contact.]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Nobody said it was easy  
Oh it's such a shame for us to paaaart  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so haaaaard  
I'm going back to the staaahrt  
  
_  
 **[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**  
  


**SASHA**

**[Whooping loudly]** Ninety seven! Did you see that Tim?!

**TIM**

**[Faux gruntled]** Fine, I'll up you another one! **[Pages flipping]**

**SASHA**

_Martin!_

**MARTIN**

**[Laughs softly]** I guess I'm doing it. **[To Jon]** Wish me luck?

**JON**

**[Clears throat, a beat late]** Ye-yeah, good luck singing, Martin.

**TIM**

Ooohhh, Martin's singing? What could it be?

  
  
**[‘ _PERFECT’_ BY SIMPLE PLAN STARTS PLAYING] **

**MARTIN**

**[On microphone, voice of someone tipsy enough to lower his inhibitions but not enough to forget this by morning]** _Hey, Dad, look at me  
Think back, and talk to me  
Did I grow up according to plan?_

**TIM**

**[Groans]** Martin, whyyy?  
  


**JON**

**[Takes a large sip of his wine]** I believe Sasha coerced him to it.

**SASHA**

_Hey!_ It's what he wanted!

**MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _And do you think I'm wasting my time  
Doing things I want to do?  
But it hurts when you disapproved all along_

**TIM**

This brings me to that year I had my punk phase in college—

**SASHA**

Punk? _You_?

**MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _And now I try hard to make it  
I just want to make you proud  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
You can't pretend that I'm alright  
And you can't change me_

**[Sasha sings along]**

_  
_**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _'Cause we lost it all  
Nothin' lasts forever  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late  
And we can't go back  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect_

**[Martin starts getting really into the song, like really into it you know?]**

_  
_**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _I try not to think  
About the pain I feel inside  
Did you know you used to be my hero?  
All the days you spent with me  
Now seem so far away  
And it feels like you don't care any more  
And now I try hard to make it  
I just want to make you proud  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
I can't stand another fight  
And nothing's all right_

**[Tim sings the chorus too with him]**

**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _'Cause we lost it all  
And nothin' lasts forever  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late  
And we can't go back  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect_

**TIM**

Martin, your Papá loves you so much!

**MARTIN** _[cont’d]_

 **[Depreciating chuckles]** _Nothing's gonna change the things that you said  
And nothing's gonna make this right again  
Please don't turn your back  
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you  
But you don't understand_

**TIM**

You're perfect the way you are, Martin!

**SASHA**

Jon! Tell Martin nice things too!

**JON**

**[Caught off-guard]** Wha-? Uh, erm—

**MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _'Cause we lost it all  
Nothin' lasts forever  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late  
And we can't go back  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect  
  
  
_ **[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**TIM**

_Ninety six?!_

**SASHA**

**[Fabric rustles as she sidles up to Martin and hugs his arms]** Let's sing the next one together, okay?

**MARTIN**

**[Voice faintly smiling]** Okay.  
  


**TIM**

But you were already singing together?

**SASHA**

**[Taps her mic on]** Not on microphone, we're not!  
  
  
  
 **[‘ _LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS’_ BY ERIC CARMEN STARTS PLAYING]**

**TIM**

**[Whining]** Jon! Let's do a duet tooo!

**JON**

**[Flatly]** No.

**SASHA and MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _Lost in a dance, waiting for the chance  
_ **[Martin's voice trails a little longer]** _All I really needed was to loooooove youuuu  
Night after night, searchin' for the light  
You saved me, you gave me something I could feel_

**TIM**

Jooooooon, pleaaaase!

**JON**

No, a duet wasn't in the bargain.

**TIM**

**[Ugh]** Fine! Sasha let’s sing the next song!

**[Manic page flipping]**

**[Electronic beeps as Tim enters his songs]**

**JON**

**[Concerned]** ...That's a lot of songs, Tim.

**TIM**

**[Flippant]** I'm entering yours too!

**JON**

What!

**TIM**

Be drunk enough to sing after about... _three_ songs, Jon!

  
**SASHA and MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _Dreams from the past, comin' true at last  
Never noticed hoooow my life was chaaaangin’  
Now I can see, all that love can be  
You saved me, you gave me something that was real_

**[Tim turns on his mic and sings along too]**

**SASHA and MARTIN and TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Love is all that matters, faithful and forever  
Keepin' us together, love is all we need  
Prisoner of illusion, sentence is suspended  
Loneliness is ended, love has set me freeeee_

**[Tim tries to sing the piano part, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun duunnn]**

**SASHA**

Joooon, you know you want to sing this, toooo!

**SASHA and MARTIN and TIM** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Love is all that matters, faithful and forever  
Keepin' us together, love is all we need  
Prisoner of illusion, sentence is suspended  
Loneliness is ended, love has set me freeeEEEEEEeee  
  
_  
 **[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**TIM**

Ninety five! Martin's score decreased because of you, Sasha, dear.

**SASHA**

You were singing with us, too! The score probably decreased because of you!

**TIM**

_Riiiiiight._

**SASHA**

Keep saying that and I'm not gonna sing with you!  
  


**TIM**

Even if it's this song?  
  


  
** [ _‘I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW’_ BY TIFFANY STARTS PLAYING] **

**SASHA**

**[Gasps]** Tiffany!!

**[The sounds of Sasha rushing up from her seat and dragging a laughing Tim with her around the table and nearer the screen]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

C'mon this song is for dancing! Martin! Jon!

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone, very happy]** _Children behaaaAAaave, that's what they say when we're together  
And watch how you plaaaaay  
They don't understand  
And so we're_

**TIM**

**[On microphone, normal voice but with fondness and he's actually hitting the notes right]** _Running just as fast as we can, holding on to one another hands  
Trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me  
And we tumble to the ground and then you say_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _I think we're alone now_

**TIM**

**[On microphone, voice smiling]** _There doesn't seem to be anyone around_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _I think we're alone now_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _The beating of our hearts is the only sound_

**JON**

**[A whisper, apropos of nothing]** Tim's got a crush on Sasha ever since she wouldn't let him take out a circus-related item from the Artefact Storage even after he, in his own words, "really laid out his charms".

**[Martin chuckles in response]**

  
**[They watch the two dance in front of the karaoke screen, twirling and dipping each other without a care in the world]**

**JON** _[cont’d]_

I guess Tim's lucky. Sasha is finally starting to reciprocate.

**MARTIN**

Oh...I don't think—I don’t think Sasha is looking for a committed relationship with anyone. At least not yet.

**JON**

**[Glances at Martin, why does he know that? did he...did he like made a 'move' on Sasha?]**...that sounds...not good for Tim. **[He takes a steadying breath]** Poor Tim.

**MARTIN**

**[Glances at Jon and sees the emphatic way Jon is looking at the laughing Tim, oh God, does Jon like Tim in that way?]** Yes... _poor Tim_.

 _  
_**[Awkward silence reigns between the two of them as in the background Tim and Sasha continues singing, not having heard the conversation]**

 _  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _Look at the waaaaaay we gotta hide what we're doin'  
'Cause what would they saaaaay  
If they ever knew  
And so we're_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Running just as fast as we can, holding on to one another hands_

**[They clasp their hands together and Tim twirls Sasha, her full laughter breaking through the words of the song]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[On microphone]** _Trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me  
And we tumble to the ground and then you say_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _I think we're alone now_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _There doesn't seem to be anyone around_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _I think we're alone now_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _The beating of our hearts is the only soooound_

**TIM and SASHA**

**[On microphone, both of them breathless with laughter]** _I think we're alone now,  
There doesn't seem to be anyone around  
I think we're alone now  
The beating of our hearts is the only sound_

**[Sounds of footwork to Cha Cha, laughter from the two]**

**[Jon sips his wine fast, then refills his glass just as quickly. Martin does the same with his Bellini. The two repeats this for the rest of the song.]**

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Running just as fast as we can_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Holding on to one another hands_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _And we tumble to the ground and then you say_

 _  
_**SASHA**

 **[On microphone]** _I think we're alone now_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Alone now_

 _  
_**SASHA**

 **[On microphone]** _There doesn't seem to be anyone around_

 _  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _I think we're alone now_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Alone now_

 _  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _The beating of our hearts is the only sound_

 **[Sasha laughs again as Tim dips her and brings her back up, they don’t manage to finish repeating the closing verse, both of them descending uncontrollably to laughing fits into each other’s shoulders]** _  
  
_

  
**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**SASHA and TIM**

**[Cheers loudly]** Ninety seven!

**[Flesh claps against flesh as they give each other high fives]**

  
  
**[ _‘BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!’_ BY VENGABOYS STARTS PLAYING] **

**MARTIN**

**[Hiccupping]** Jesus Christ, Tim.

  
**JON**

**[Bleary]** Oh god, this song is hurting my eyes.

**SASHA**

**[Laughs wildly, lots of fabric rustling as she moves back to the seats and grabs Jon and Martin up and around the table]** Martin! Jon! Let's dance!

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _If you're alone and you need a friend  
Someone to make you forget your problems  
Just come along baby take my hand  
I'll be your lover tonight (Whoa oh oh oh)_

**MARTIN**

**[Smiling faintly]** Jesus Christ, Tim when did you dragged this song from?

**TIM**

**[Voice a little bit flushed]** The years of my cherished childhood!

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _This is what I wanna do  
(Let's have some fun)  
What I want is me and you_

**SASHA and TIM**

**[On microphone, laughing]** _Boom boom boom boom  
I want you in my room  
Let's spend the night together  
From now until forever_

**[Fleshy thuds as Sasha hipchecks both Jon and Martin, she laughs brightly at them]**

_  
_**TIM**

 **[On microphone]** _Boom boom boom boom  
I wanna go boom boom  
Let's spend the night together  
Together in my room_

**[Sasha turns back to the table and glass clinks as she fetches the glasses of water]**

**SASHA**

WATER, EVERYONE!

**[Everyone drinks water]**

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Everybody get on down  
The Vengaboys are back in town_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _This is what I wanna do  
Let's have some fun  
What I want is me and you_

**[Multiple mics’ feedback as Tim opens the other two mics and hands it to Jon and Martin]**

**[Martin sings along awkwardly, a little late on the words]**

**[Jon doesn't sing and glares at Tim]**

**TIM**

**[With the voice of someone grinning recklessly]** Just one more song and the floor is yours, Jon.

 _  
_**SASHA and TIM and MARTIN**

 **[On microphone]** _Boom boom boom boom  
I want you in my room  
Let's spend the night together  
From now until forever  
Boom boom boom boom  
I wanna go boom boom  
Let's spend the night together  
Together in my room_

**[Sasha jumping to the beat of the song, then more laughter as she tugs on Jon's arms]**

**SASHA**

_  
_Jon! _Come on!_

**SASHA and TIM and MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _Boom boom boom boom  
I want you in my room  
Let's spend the night together  
From now until forever_

**[Tim links his arms with Jon's too]**

**[Faint footsteps as Martin shuffles back to their seats and drinks more Rossini]**

_  
_**SASHA and TIM and MARTIN**

 **[On microphone]** _Boom boom boom boom  
I wanna go boom boom  
Let's spend the night together  
Together in my room_

**SASHA**

Martin!

**[Sasha reaches over for him and links her other arm with his]**

**[More laughter as Sasha and Tim jumps in time to the song's beat, taking Jon and Martin with them]**

**SASHA and TIM**

**[On microphone, hiccupping with glee]** _Boom boom boom boom  
I want you in my room  
Let's spend the night together  
From now until forever  
_  
  
 **[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**TIM**

Ninety two!  
  
 **[They all shuffle back to their seats, Tim and Sasha breathlessly laughing]**

**TIM**

Sashaaaaa, sit with me—

**SASHA**

No, I want to sit beside Martin, he's so soft and warm **[Martin chuckles as Sasha hugs his middle]**

**  
[Jon downs another glass of wine]**

**TIM**

Fine! Jon! Be my pillow! **[Jon quacking as Tim wraps his arms around Jon's shoulder]**

**[Martin downs another glass of Bellini]**

  
  
**[‘ _DON'T YOU (FORGET ABOUT ME)’_ BY SIMPLE MINDS STARTS PLAYING] **   
  


**SASHA**

My song! You remembered, Tim!

**TIM**

As if I'll forget the time you tortured me with this movie.

**SASHA**

As if you didn't hear the names Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald and blindly plunged into it.

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Won't you come see about me?  
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Tell me your troubles and doubts  
Giving me everything inside and out and  
Love's strange so real in the dark  
Think of the tender things that we were working on_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Slow change may pull us apart  
When the light gets into your heart, baby_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Don't you, forget about me  
Don't, don't, don't, don't  
Don't you, forget about me_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Will you stand above me?  
Look my way, never love me  
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling  
Down, down, down_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Will you recognize me?  
Call my name or walk on by  
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling  
Down, down, down, down  
  
_

**SASHA and TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Hey, hey, hey, hey  
Ooh woh_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _Don't you try and pretend  
It's my feeling we'll win in the end  
I won't harm you or touch your defenses  
Vanity and security  
  
_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** _Don't you forget about me  
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby  
Going to take you apart  
I'll put us back together at heart, baby  
  
_

**SASHA**

**[On microphone]** Martin! Sing!

**MARTIN**

**[On microphone]** _Don't you, forget about me  
Don't, don't, don't, don't  
Don't you, forget about me_

**TIM**

**[On microphone]** _As you walk on by  
Will you call my name?  
As you walk on by  
Will you call my name?  
When you walk away  
Or will you walk away?  
Will you walk on by?  
Come on, call my name  
Will you call my name?_

**SASHA and TIM**

**[On microphone]** _I say  
(Lala la la lala la la)  
Will you call my name?  
As you walk on by  
  
_

 _  
_**[HIGH PITCHED MELODY AS THE SONG IS GRADED]**

**SASHA**

Ninety six! And that's with you singing with us!

**[Fabric rustles Tim slings an arm around Jon]**

**TIM**

JOOOOOOOOOOOOON, your song.

  
**[Jon sighs, resigned]**

**MARTIN**

Oh, Jon...Jon will sing?

  
  
**[‘ _IRIS’_ BY THE GOO GOO DOLLS STARTS PLAYING] **   
  


_  
_**[Jon takes a deep breath]**

**SASHA**

**[Excited]** Ooooh, this is the first time I’ll hear Jon sing!

**TIM**

**[Breezy]** Be prepared!

 _  
_**JON**

 **[On microphone rough but full, hitting all the right notes]** _And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

  
**SASHA**

Aahhhhh! Jon, your voice is giving me the chills!

**[Martin’s heavy breathing, he’s not prepared for something like this, Jon _singing_ ]**

**[Tim cheers]**

**JON**

**[On microphone]** _And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
And sooner or later it's over  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

**SASHA**

My, my, Martin your face is really red right now—

**MARTIN**

**[Voice suggesting his face is really red]** I'm not! I'm just, I'm just—

**JON**

**[On microphone]** _And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

**SASHA**

**[Teasing]** Like really red martin, do you like what you're hearing?

**MARTIN**

**[Muffled, his hands on his face]** Sasha, stop, he'll hear you—

**[Sasha laughs loudly]**

**[Jon drinking more wine]**

**JON**

**[On microphone]** _And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

**[Tim humming along the lines]**

**[Jon refills his glass again but Tim snatches it away from, laughing as he drinks from it]**

**[Jon shoves lightly at him but his voice is not irritated]**

**JON**

**[Voice of someone rolling his eyes]** _Tim._

**TIM**

**[Voice of someone rolling his eyes back with an impish smile]** _Jon._

**JON**

**[On microphone]** _And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken_

**[Martin settles back in his seat, groaning lightly]**

**SASHA**

Tim, I think it's time?

**TIM**

Oh, _yeah_. **[Unhooks phone and dials]** Hello, this is room five again, we would like to have our special order up here now, thanks!

**JON**

**[On microphone]** _And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

**SASHA**

Jon looks so cute when he's flushed red doesn't he, Martin?

...Martin?

Martin!

**JON**

**[On microphone]** _I just want you to know who I am-_

 _  
_ **[Jon gags then followed by retching sounds]** _  
  
_

**TIM**

Oh, Jesus, fuck! Sasha, quick get the ice bucket—

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

—so sorry about this.

**[Phone is placed back onto its hook]**

**[Faint retching and groaning in the background]**

**SASHA**

What did the manager say?

**TIM**

They said incidents like these happen daily for them, so they can have the room cleaned in ten minutes after we leave. Cab situation outside is abysmal. How’s Martin?

**SASHA**

Oh, Martin's fine, a little tipsy, I guess, but he'll just need a hand to guide him when walking. He's not as drunk as—

**JON**

**[Drunk]** Am not drunk! **[Retches]**

**TIM**

Jonathan Sims, what happened to you, I saw you chug down two bottles of wine without batting an eye last Christmas party?

**JON**

**[Muffled by the ice bucket]** I'm not drunk! I just got dizzy.

**TIM**

**[Unbelieving]** Right. You up to walk on your own?

**JON**

Of course!

**[Fabric rustles as Jon stands up and—]**

**SASHA**

Tim!

**TIM**

Oh, god!

**[Heavy thud, Jon crashes into the floor]**

**JON**

**[Muffled by his hands** ] I'm not drunk, just tired.

**TIM**

**[Placating** ] Okay, okay.

**[Fabric rustling as Tim pulls him up into a piggy back]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

 **[To Sasha]** You alright assisting Martin?

**SASHA**

Yeah, Martin here can still move if I act as his crutch, right, Martin?

  
  
**[Martin groans faintly]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[Assuring]** We'll be alright, Jon needs you more...you sure you're going to carry him like that all the way down?

**[More fabric rustling as Tim shifts Jon on his back more comfortably]**

**TIM**

Yeah, this is kinda my fault, carrying this very light lightweight is just a light penance, all things considered.

**JON**

**[Obviously quite drunk]** I'm not drunk!

**TIM**

**[Sighs fondly]** Did you at least had fun tonight?

**[More fabric rustles as Jon buries his face onto the back of Tim's neck and groans]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

 **[Huffs]** Alright then I'm just gonna shamelessly take this ice bucket with us so you'll have something to hurl into when you need it.

**[Sasha laughs softly]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Come on Sasha dear, let's take these boys home.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**[London night background noise]**

**[Muffled recording, as if the tape is inside someone's bag]**

**[A car beeps at them as it passes]  
  
**

**SASHA**

**[Sighs]** Is there no way to catch a cab at all?  
  


**TIM**

It's Friday night, Sasha. We could try but we'll probably end up waiting here until midnight. I'll just call Danny and have him chauffeur us. You remember Martin's address, right?  
  


**SASHA**

**[Bites lip]** Tim, on second thought, I don't feel comfortable leaving both of them drunk alone in their flats. They could choke to death or slip into a coma or just not _breathe_ and we wouldn't know until they don't show up to work on Monday—

  
**TIM**

Is that even possible with only just a couple of glasses of alcohol?

**SASHA**

**[Sheepish]** I kinda lost track how many they were drinking when we were singing Tiffany.

  
**[Someone groans in the background as another person gags]  
  
**

**TIM**

...Yeah, yeah, I hear you. So...Your place or mine?  
  


**SASHA**

Yours is nearer.  
  


**TIM**

**[Laughs quietly]** For the record, this is not what I have in mind when I think of inviting you over for after date activities again.  
  


**SASHA**

**[Laughs]** I sure hope not, is Danny still staying with you?  
  


**TIM**

Yep, but don't worry I have a lot of spare mattresses. Besides we can just fall into a dog pile if we can't fit. We'll call it The Archives Pit.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

  
  
  
**TIM**

**[Annoyingly cheery and without a hint of any hangover]** Wakey, wakey my beautiful sleeping sons well into their twenties, oops I mean _thirties,_ and yet cannot somehow tolerate a meager bottle of wine?  
  


**JON**

**[Groaning]** Go away, Tim.  
  


**TIM**

And leave you to your almost adorable cuddling? Look at that little inch between your noses! Sasha stopped me from taking a picture but she can't stop me from holding this memory in my heart and lording it over the both of you in your wedding.  
  
 **[Sounds of the both of them waking up and realising their positions, they’re so close Martin can see just how thick Jon’s eyelashes are and Jon can count the tiny freckles on Martin’s nose]**

**SASHA**

**[Faint, from the kitchen]** Breakfast is ready!

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Whispering]** Tim, why was Danny staring at Jon like that earlier?

**TIM**

Oh. **[Laughs]**

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**JON**

I appreciate what you've gone through for me but it was really unneeded, you could just have left me—

**SASHA**

Alone on your doorstep?

**TIM**

Alone to drown in your own vomit?

**JON**

**[Protesting]** I wasn't _that_ drunk—

**SASHA**

And you have no right to be smiling like that Martin! You went sleeping beauty on us last night! I was worried for a minute you were poisoned!

**MARTIN**

I told you tannins makes my head ache!

**TIM**

No matter, we'll just have to do today what couldn't have been done last night!

**JON**

**[Despairing]** Oh god, don't tell me you haven't gotten all the singing out of your system yet—

**TIM**

Tempting but no. Sasha and I are taking you both somewhere first before we let you go back to your lives.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

Everyone strapped in? Tim, not that I doubt your driving prowess but I just have to ask—you do have a license, don't you?  
  


**TIM**

**[Might actually be offended]** Of course I have, it's here somewhere in Danny's dashboard, somewhere.

**SASHA**

Uh-huh.

**TIM**

If you're so worried how about you drive?

**JON**

Sasha can drive?

**SASHA**

**[Daring]** Or we can let Martin drive.

**MARTIN**

Sure, but only if you stop being cryptic and tell me where to drive us—

  
**JON**

Good gods, no!  
  


**MARTIN**

Wha-Jon, I know how to drive!  
  


**JON**

**[Snapping]** If you call that crazy swerving and twirling about driving, then yes you can drive!

**TIM**

Oh-ho what's this? Jon, you already rode in Martin's car? In his 2000 Honda Civic, the one that is still miraculously operating? **[Martin makes an affronted 'Hey!' from the back]** Whatever made you go for such an adventure that day?  
  


**JON**

You did when you sent this man after me when I went to the Pinhole books!   
  


**TIM**

Alright, I'm just gonna start driving here. **[Keys turning, engine starting]**  
  


**SASHA**

Seatbelts everyone! **[The car backing out of Tim’s driveway]**

**MARTIN**

**[Scoffing indignantly]** You were going to the place where a woman was _murdered_ , _mutilated_ , _skinned_ by her own son—

  
**JON**

He was _acquitted_ —

  
**MARTIN**

There were witnesses! Who mysteriously _retracted_ their statements-  
  


**TIM**

Oh, Martin, Jon has had a _crush_ on Gerard Keay ever since the man burned a Leitner book—

  
**JON**

**[Suspiciously shrill]** I do not have a _crush_ on him, Tim!  
  


**MARTIN**

**[Also suspiciously shrill]** On _Gerard Keay_ —

  
**SASHA**

You really like adding fuel to the fire—

  
**TIM**

It's in my name—

  
**MARTIN**

_Gerard Keay_ —

  
**JON**

I do _not_ have a crush on him, Martin—

  
**MARTIN**

_Gerard Keay_ , of all people—

  
**TIM**

Isn't this fun, Sasha? Family Road Trip!  
  


**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

  
  
  
**JON**

**[Flat]** This is an ice cream shop.  
  


**TIM**

_Yes!_   
  


**JON**

**[Sighs]** Why are we in an ice cream shop at ten o'clock in a Saturday morning?  
  


**TIM**

Since last night was a bust thanks to your completely pathetic alcohol tolerances, we'll have to do with this!  
  


**SASHA**

Tada! Ice cream!

**TIM**

Especially for the birthday boy!

**JON**

Wh-oh, Martin. It's _your_ birthday.

**MARTIN**

Ye-yeah.

**JON**

I thought Tim was talking abou…

**TIM**

**[Pointedly]** What do we say to people on their birthdays?

**JON**

...Happy birthday, Martin.  
  


**MARTIN**

**[Visibly pleased]**...Thank you.  
  
 **[A beat, to Tim and Sasha]** How did you guys know?  
  


**TIM**

Does that even matter?

**SASHA**

It doesn't matter! What matters is it's your birthday and you wanted some ice cream for your birthday!

**MARTIN**

What?

**SASHA**

Oh? You told us you wanted ice cream for your birthday? 

...Did you forget?  
  


**MARTIN**

No, I didn't, I just, I just didn't know you remembered.  
  


**TIM**

Of course we remembered!

**MARTIN**

Guys, you didn't have to do this—

**TIM**

Of course, but we wanted to. We were going to ask the bar to buy ice cream for us last night but you both decided to get senselessly drunk. So come on, what are you going to get? Since it's our darling boy's special day I'll be having Happy Birthday, Carnival Cotton Candy, and Butterscotch Ripple. Sasha, my darling, what about you?

**SASHA**

I'll get a scoop of each: Happy Birthday, Georgian Bay Strawberry Cheesecake, Pistachio Toasted Almond, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and Spiderman. In that order, please.  
  


**TIM**

You're kidding me right?  
  


**SASHA**

**[Primly]** Thank you, Tim.  
  


**TIM**

**[Shakes his head]** Fine. Birthday boy?  
  


**MARTIN**

Uhm, Happy Birthday, Matcha Green Tea, and...Salted Caramel? One scoop each?

**TIM**

Alright, coming up! Jon?  
  


**JON**

The usual.

**TIM**

Two scoops?

  
**JON**

Three, please.

**SASHA**

The usual?  
  


**TIM**

Rum and raisins.  
  


**SASHA**

Rum and raisins?  
  


**TIM**

Because he love raisins!  
  


**JON**

And the rum stabilises the emulsifier—

  
**MARTIN**

Emulsifier?

**TIM**

Oh no. Martin's unlocked a no skip dialogue scene.

**[CLICK]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, before starting this chapter: Aaaahh I'm so excited to write their karaoke adventures!
> 
> Me, writing, trying to transcribe all sounds heard in karaoke: this is a niGHTMARE, A NIGHTMARE WHAT WAS I THINKING
> 
> (PS: Don’t blackmail your friends, kiddos! Also, drink in moderation, with people you trust, and never drink with an empty stomach, folks. Pro-tip you can try mixing beer with orange juice, act like you know what you’re doing, and slowly increase the orange juice to beer ratio until you’re basically drinking orange juice with 1% beer. I’ve only tried this with Taiwanese beer but I’ve watched my colleagues fall to embarrassing drunken shenanigans as I daintily sip my beer-flavoured orange juice without getting tipsy.)


	7. new phone, who dis? (something about hunting people and saving stuff)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sample recordings of Sasha James, Archival Assistant of the Magnus Institute, London.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes into the empty room, banging pots and pans* hello I’M BACK!

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Phone beeps]** Start Test Recording #53. Statement #0111605. Statement of Lisa Bay regarding the stranger she met at the banks of the Thames River, London on 2011-05-14.

“I lost track of time, okay? I was bird watching and I don’t really remember how I ended up near the Thames but it was 5:13pm. I’m sure of that at least because I looked down at my watch when I saw the deep orange hue the sky has taken. When I turned my head up again there he was, waist deep in the middle of the river. His naked, almost bluish gray skin was almost invisible against the water and there was an absentminded smile on his face. What crept the bejeesus out of me though was the fact that he was already staring at me and his hands, or his claws, maybe? His whatever-they-are, they were _pointing_ _at me._ ”

 **[Phone beeps]** End Test Recording #53. Checking recording status.

**[Phone beeps; Sasha’s electronic voice repeats the whole thing without a glitch.]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[Phone beeps again; papers shuffle]** Sorry, darling. You’re going into the creepy but unimportant pile. **[Papers shuffle]** Okay, let’s try another one.

**[More paper shuffling as Sasha skims through the statement]**

**SASHA** _[cont’d]_

 **[Phone beeps]** Start Test Recording #54. Statement #0121102. Statement of Lesere Saraki regarding her night-shift at St. Thomas Hospital, London last 2011-12-23.

“ _Like the first, he was completely covered in almost uniform second-degree burns, except for what at first I thought were small black scorch marks. Looking closer, I saw that they were eyes. Small, tattooed eyes on every one of his joints: his knees, his elbows and even his knuckles, as well as just over his heart. I would have expected the burns to have almost destroyed tattoos that small, but instead they were unblemished—_ ”

**[KNOCK, KNOCK]**

**[DOOR OPENS]**

**JON**

**[Faint]** Tim, about the Montauk and Herbert Statements—Oh, where’s Tim, Sasha?

**SASHA**

**[Fond sigh]** He already recorded those statements, bless him and whatever is making him rush through multiple statements a week, but if you have more reports on them we can make him add it to the tape as supplemental notes when he’s done fulfilling his promises to the hospital clerks he wooed to get medical records for some of the cases. I reckon he’ll be back by early afternoon.

**JON**

**[Footsteps, he comes closer to Sasha; voice furtive]** And you’re...okay with that?

**SASHA**

**[Some noise of noncommittal]** I just wish he doesn’t spend so much of the Institute's allowance on his dates. The accounting department already has their eyes on us with the Institute-issued phones Elias bought for us the other day. Just earlier this morning they were asking me about departmental budget and receipts. _Ugh_.

**JON**

**[Same ugh but for a different reason]** _The phone._

**SASHA**

**[Ugh but still for a different reason]** I know, right? I mean, I wasn't exactly expecting Elias to buy us any flagship phone from Samsung or god forbid, Apple. But a Nokia smartphone, seriously? He might as well have bought us the 3310s for functionality. Like it has a 0.5MP camera! A zero point five MP, Jon!

**JON**

**[The voice of someone who has no experience with phones past sending a text with them]** Hhmmm, yes.

**SASHA**

Don't even get me started on the internal memory, not only it's a one gig, a single GIGABYTE, but also its RAM is at 0.3 GB and—

**[KNOCK, KNOCK]**

**[Door opens, a bit squeaky]**

**SASHA** _[cont'd]_

Oh, hello Martin.

**MARTIN**

You guys alright?

**JON**

Sasha is not satisfied with the new phone's rums and gigs.

**SASHA**

_RAM_ , Jon.

**JON**

That's what I said.

**MARTIN**

You said _rum_ , like the drink? **[Sasha makes an agreeing noise in the background]**

**JON**

**[Flustered]** I did not! Anyway, please tell Tim I found the second half of Trevor Herbert's statement because unlike someone here **[slightly hissing]** I practice _due diligence_. **[Walks out of the room]**

**MARTIN**

**[Flustered]** I just told you what I heard, Jo— Sasha, I’ve stapled some more statements, here. **[Paper shuffles]**

 **[Calling out to Jon, voice fading out as his footsteps hurry out]** Jon? Jon, about the follow up on statement #0112—the Rentoul case? Jon!

**SASHA**

**[Fond sigh]** _Boys_.

Oh, where was I? **[Paper shuffles]**

Ah, damn it.

 **[Phone beeps]** End Test Recording #54. Checking recording status.

**[Door opens]**

**TIM**

Honey, I’m back!

**SASHA**

**[Surprised]** Tim! That was fast, I thought you had two dates for today?

**TIM**

**[Laughing as he walks towards Sasha]** Funny story, actually. It's the rest day of the clerk from John Radcliffe today so she decided, in her own words, to go an hour early and scope out the cafe to which I invited her. Silly me didn’t consider this possibility when I asked the lovely Matthew who gave me access to Ms. Patel's records to the same cafe albeit a few hours earlier, nor did I consider Matthew going off on about his ex which I correctly figured out he still has some feelings with for about two hours well past what I thought would be the end of our sojourn.

**SASHA**

Oof.

**TIM**

Oof, indeed. So Hannah, the nurse not our Hannah, she walks in and who do you think she sees?

**SASHA**

You and Matthew?

**TIM**

Me and Matthew! Matthew, or Mattie the ex-boyfriend Hannah the nurse mentioned she was trying to forget when I asked her out! Guess what happens next?

**SASHA**

There were...words?

**TIM**

There were _a lot_ of words. Very angry, very bitter ones. Shouted and cried in the middle of the cafe, not _at me_ exactly but with enough scandal that I can never go back there. Sorry, darling I’ll have to get your crusty croissants elsewhere—

**SASHA**

You took them to that little coffee shop by the Thames? **[She throws something at him, like a pen]** Tim! That one has the best croissant in London!

**TIM**

I beg to differ on that taste quality but as a testament of my love for you here is a still warm bag of croissants I heroically snagged before frisking myself out of that warzone. **[Crinkling paper, Sasha squealing with excitement]**

**SASHA**

**[Some chewing noises]** These are so good!

**TIM**

**[Ugh]** Can’t believe you love that, I suppose a person can’t have a good taste in everything, huh?

**SASHA**

**[Exaggerated chewing noises and moans of delight]** I can’t hear you over the deliciousness of these croissants!

 **[Normal chewing noises, the sound of a finger sucked clean of food debris]** So, I’m guessing we'll have to send in Jon or Martin whenever we need records from hospitals?

**TIM**

Yeah probably— **[Phone chimes with a text]** hold that thought right there. **[Hm]** I am being currently advised that I should not “schedule what should have been romantic ventures on the same day in the same location _however_ ” here there are some blushing wide eyed emoji followed by a series of sparkling hearts and blowing kisses emojis— oh, _ohhh_! Never mind, I'm still good with hospitals.

**SASHA**

And the coffee shop?

**TIM**

**[Laughs]** Maybe if I had another face and could bleach the memories of the past couple of hours from my mind. They had a lot of issues, Sash. _So many issues_. All I would be able to remember if I come back there was how Mattie shouts at Hannah about her edging techniques? Pro-tip, do no search that, love. How come I successfully matched back these two people I barely know, lovely as they are, and yet with the ones right here in this archive? Utter disappointment.

**SASHA**

**[Considering chewing noises]** Wouldn’t really say it’s all disappointing. Haven’t you noticed how they changed in the past few weeks?

**TIM**

**[Snorts]** You mean the beard?

**SASHA**

And the haircut! Martin does look good in that one, doesn't he?

**TIM**

The beard emphasized it, how did you manage to convince him to grow one?

**SASHA**

Told him I saw Jon scrolling through what looked like a dating app and he swiped right on a picture of this man with the most luxurious facial hair—

**TIM**

**[Interested, very interested]** And was he really?

**SASHA**

Yep, it was for the Escariot case though, remember?

**TIM**

Ah, the creep that talks like a cartoonish 15th century English peasant.

**SASHA**

**[Sing song]** Got it in one!

**TIM**

Martin believed you?

**SASHA**

He says he doesn’t but you know what happened the week after that.

**TIM**

The Glorious Beard.

**SASHA**

_The Glorious Beard._ I don’t think Jon has managed to hold a complete conversation or eye contact with Martin since then. I think he’s even blushing?

**TIM**

And here was I, trying to suggest black hair dye and tattoos to Martin.

**SASHA**

Like Gerard Keay? **[Tim makes some vague agreeing sounds]**

...You might be onto something though, there’s no more effective way of getting Jon interested on a case than mentioning Gerard Keay **[Tim makes some less vague agreeing sounds]** —oh! This reminds me, I think we have another one with him in it. Wait, let me check it.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Phone beeps]** Start Test Recording #58. Statement #9761411. Statement of Gabriela, no last name given, regarding a series of encounters that started on 1976-12-23.

“‘Who were you talking to,’ my mother asked. I turned to her, her blonde curls spiralling around her twisting smile, and in that split second of lost attention I felt his head melt on my hands, pooling hotly before dripping down my wrist. I screamed, flinging the red clay from my fingers but that texture of waxy skin, or clay, or whatever it was, had already sunk within my palms and I could just _feel_ it worming inside my flesh and piercing my veins. My nerves were alight. I screamed, like a child crying for its mother, but my own mother has been dead for years now, there was no one to answer my scream for help, no warm embrace to hide my face in. So I screamed, and I screamed, and I screamed—”

**[KNOCK, KNOCK]**

**[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]**

**MARTIN**

Tim, about the Rentoul case—oh, Sasha! Sorry, I thought Tim was here...whe-where is he?

**SASHA**

**[Fond sigh]** Whisked away to a meeting with Elias and the other departmental heads about budget and the usage guidelines on the new institutional phones.

**MARTIN**

**[Nervous laughter]** I was just going to ask about that—the phones? Uhm, do you have any idea if they’re work-only kind of phones, or—you know? **[Voice drops into a semi-whisper]** _Take-home_ kind of phones?

**SASHA**

Uhhhh, from what I read from the draft guide, I think it’s supposed to be work only kind of phone? But it’s not like they’re going to do frisking over it, so as long as it’s not damaged from non-work reasons, I don’t see why it couldn’t be taken home.

**MARTIN**

**[Relieved laughter]** Oh, that’s a relief! Thanks, Sasha—

**SASHA**

Wait, you were saying something about the Rentoul case, Martin? Are you and Jon encountering issues with that one? Have you found Angela yet?

**MARTIN**

**[Fast, high-pitched]** Nothing! That was nothing, don’t worry about it! We’re still searching for her!

**SASHA**

Are the phones not helping with your research for it?

**MARTIN**

**[Faster, higher-pitched]** No! The phones got nothing to do with it! Totally unrelated! Just—uhm, bye Sasha!

**[DOOR SHUTS CLOSED]**

**SASHA**

**[Under her breath]** Alright, that wasn’t suspicious at all.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**SASHA**

**[Phone beeps]** Start Test Recording #63. Statement #0082404. Statement of unknown statement giver regarding... **[tired sigh]** a premonition. **[Muttering under her breath]** Of course, Tim is right, this format isn’t going to fit all statements.

“I see you laughing at me from behind your glass screen. Don’t think I don’t. I know you already dismissed my words of those of a fraud, lauding me as a madman at best. Well, when your smiles have curdled into screams of terror, when your world has become Strange, when all you wish is for the sweet Darkness of not Knowing, remember me and my statement you so glibly disregarded. Remember me and weep your blood.”

 **[Phone beeps, then a shaky breath]**...End Test Recording #63. Che-checking— **[Sasha clear her throat]** Checking recording status.

**[DOOR OPENS]**

**[Two sets of footsteps into the room]**

**TIM**

**[Voice laughing]** I don’t know what you want me to do with it, Jon. What? Shave it?

**JON**

**[Voice tight with...something]** It’s distracting, Tim! A blatant disrespect for the Archives dress code—

**TIM**

**[Lightly]** I didn’t know we have a dress code. And to think I’m the Head Archivist of this place, shame on me.

**JON**

**[Incomprehensible frustrated noises]** You know what I mean!

**TIM**

**[Exaggerated innocence]** Nope! No clue!

**JON**

**[More incomprehensible frustrated noises]** TIM! I CAN’T WORK WITH HIM LIKE THIS!

**TIM**

**[Firm]** Jon, I need you to calm down and take a deep breath. **[Jon takes a deep a breath]** Now, I need you to think carefully about this, _why do you find Martin’s beard distracting?_

**JON**

**[Gritted teeth]** Because. It’s. A. Violation! **[Tim groans]**

**TIM**

Of _what_ , exactly?

**JON**

**[Ugh]** Fine! If you’re not going to do anything about it, I’ll endure it but don’t blame me if the quality of my work suffers! **[Walks out of the room]**

**TIM**

**[Calling out]** If you ask nicely, maybe Martin might let you shave it yourself? Lather him up in perfumed oils and slide a sharp piece of metal against his cheeks and neck in an intimate show of trust? How’s that for a first date idea?

**[DOOR BANGS CLOSED]**

**TIM**

No? Too oily?

**SASHA**

**[Worried]** Oh, dear. I actually thought Jon was enjoying the beard. Poor Martin.

**TIM**

**[Laughs]** On the contrary, _that_ in Jonspeak means he loves it very much.

**[CLICK]**

* * *

**[CLICK]**

**TIM**

_—is one last thing our dear eagle-eyed Sasha pointed out. It’s just for less than a second, just a frame really, but at 03:22:52, the hospital feed is replaced by a...a human eye, a close-up of one staring right back from the screen._

**[A tape recorder clicks off]**

**SASHA**

And that’s another one! **[Tim groans]**...Tim? _Tim—!_

**[CLICK]**

**[CLICK]**

**[Muffled noises that suspiciously sounds like the Candy Crush sound effects]**

**SASHA**

**[Phone beeps]** Start Test Recording #70. Statement #0040808. Statement of Andrew Barton regarding a...ghost cat.

**TIM**

I don’t hear you using the format you said needs to be used for statement introductions.

**SASHA**

Oh, hush you. **[Clears throat]**

“I need to start this by writing: I don’t believe in ghosts. Sure, afterlife and whatnot is interesting to think about but thinking and believing are two different things—”

**TIM**

Ah, damn it! **[Candy Crush noises intensifies]**

**SASHA**

_Tim,_ should I even remind you why Elias issued phones for everyone in The Institute and why he strictly said ‘No playing of match-three apps during company time’?

**TIM**

Hmm, you can remind me again. You know how fickle my mind is, Sash—shit!

**[Chair scraping against the floor, Sasha’s voice fades out a little]**

**SASHA**

What level are you at?

**TIM**

Oh, she’s finally taking a break, lads! After hours of me begging her to stop her test recordings for a while, I can’t believe the sound of me losing at this game is what breaks her stupor—

**SASHA**

Well, you were losing at it badly. **[Tim laughs]** How are you feeling, Tim?

**TIM**

**[Confused noise]** My pride is burst and I am developing a level of anger at jelly I didn’t know could exist. Otherwise, I’m in tiptop shape. Why do you ask?

**[A long pause]**

**TIM**

**[Teasing]** Why, my Lady James! If you wish to gaze upon my fair face, you know all you need to do is whisper my name from the cockles of your heart—

**SASHA**

**[Laughing]** That is so horrible a line—

**TIM**

**[Laughing too]** _I know!_ But I love it!

**SASHA**

**[Still laughing]** You would have destroyed an author who would dare write a line like that—

**TIM**

I would. I definitely would. **[Both of their laughter peters out, Sasha sighs]**...Don’t worry about this morning, Sash.

**SASHA**

You almost fainted when you finished recording Saraki’s statement. Tim, goddammit I’m the one pushing you to finish digitising the archives when we’re you going to tell me that the statements were affecting you—

**TIM**

_They’re not._ I just stayed up too late last night trying to best Danny on this bloody game, that’s all.

**[Sasha sighs]**

**TIM** _[cont’d]_

Come on! **[Laughter]** There’s nothing to worry about!

**SASHA**

...I’m going to sort through more statements. Try to see if I can see more connecting statements like Father Burrough’s and Trevor Herbert’s—

**TIM**

Sash, see? You’re the one who needs a break; those statements are still going to be statements even if you spend the next hour relaxing. Come, give Mr. Magnum here those files **[paper shuffling as Sasha sighs again but with more fondness this time]** this dick has to work once in a while, after all.

**SASHA**

**[Conceding noises]** I hope by relaxing you don’t mean beating your pathetic white ass on matching candies.

**TIM**

**[Sniffs]** Rude. And no, I have something much better. **[Phone beeps and clicks as Tim navigates his phone]**

**[Electronic huffs and distorted shouts]**

**SASHA**

**[Amused]** Tim...is that a _dog?_

**TIM**

Wait for it.

**[More electronic yips and a familiar voice shouting faintly]**

**SASHA**

**[Starting to laugh again]** Oh, god! Is that a dog running around the archives? With your phone in its mouth and—

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Martin’s electronic voice, frazzled]** Bad dog! Bad dog! That’s my boss’ phone, please give it back. _Fluffy!_ **[Electronic muffled but excited woofs]** No, no, don’t do that!

**[Dog’s farting noises]**

**[Martin’s wordless cry of dismay]** _Fluffy!_

**[Electronic footsteps fading in]**

**[Jon’s electronic voice, somewhat muffled but still audibly sulky]** Tim, is that you? I think I heard barks down here? Come help me with these boxes, I don’t understand why you just can’t ask Diana to have these books delivered down here— **[a squelch, followed by sounds of heavy thumps and Martin’s faint ‘Nooooo’]—** _Ah!_ this is, this is dog’s _shi_ —why is there a dog— _you’re not Tim!_ Who are you? What are you doing here in this Archives, this is _off-limits_ —

**SASHA**

**[Giggling, simultaneous with Tim’s phone]** I didn’t know Jon wore the red pants on your first day here, Jesus Christ, no wonder Martin fell hard.

**TIM**

**[Laughing over the video]** Oh, it gets better—

**TIM’S PHONE**

**[Martin’s electronic voice, extra frazzled]** I, uh, I-I also work, work here, I mean, uhm, I already met Timothy Stoker, uh, he said, said the dog is cute and, uhm, he wanted to, to take a picture but the phone fell and Fluffy here took it and, ah, **[nervous laughter]** just ran around and, uh, decided to **[pained tone]** _relieve her bowels_ —Uh, so hi! I’m Martin—

**[Jon’s electronic voice, extra irritated]** You brought a _dog_ to the _Archives—_

**[Martin’s electronic voice, pained]** I didn’t _actually_ brought anything to the Archives, she was already outside the Archives, I just, I just uhm thought it’ll save her from the heat if she spends the day inside— **[Fluffy woofs at them, then sounds of little paws pitter-pattering away]**

**[Jon’s electronic voice, disgusted]** Dear lord, there’s something ghastly still hanging between its legs—

**[Tim’s phone beeps as the video is cut off]**

**SASHA**

**[Still laughing]** How come I didn’t meet Fluffy! What happened to her after that?

**TIM**

**[Tone jovial]** Well, you were signed off work for a few days around that time. Danny took her in, got her checked and vaccinated and everything, apparently water dogs are good travelling companions.

**SASHA**

**[Realisation]** Oh, the dog that kept trying to lick Martin awake when we slept over last time! Before Danny took her out for a jog, oh she looks so much fluffier now, I didn’t recognise her at all.

**TIM**

Danny spoils her rotten—

**[DOOR BANGS OPEN]**

**[Two sets of footsteps rushing in]**

**JON**

**[Irritated]** –telling you that was Angela!

**MARTIN**

**[Exasperated]** And I keep telling you that wasn’t Angela! 

**JON**

Tim! Tell Martin how ridiculous he’s being right now! Just because the woman didn’t give you her name as Angela doesn’t mean she’s not Angela— _Tim?_ ...Why are you on that couch? Are you, are you okay? Sasha, what happened to him?

**MARTIN**

You do look a bit pale, Tim.

**TIM**

**[Exaggerated fake pained groans]** My head, it is splitting me open, my dear sons. I’m afraid I might not last this day, I hear the angels beckoning me to join their ranks—

**SASHA**

**[Flatly]** He spent too much time playing Candy Crush, now his eyes are taking revenge.

**MARTIN**

**[Admonishing]** _Tim_.

**JON**

**[What]** We were forced to use these overcomplicated phones because Elias caught you playing that game and now you’re still—

**TIM**

Now, now, where was the touching concern earlier—

**[CLICK]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon: Martin starts having a crush on Jon when he stayed in the Archi—
> 
> Me, a deranged rat who can never let go of an idea once I become attached to it: Did you say crush at first sight? CRUSH AT FIRST SIGHT? CRUSH AT _FIRST SIGHT?_

**Author's Note:**

> Additional tags:
> 
> the only change is that tim joined the institute earlier than jon, so elias jumped on him instead of jon, he joined prob because to know about the weird mannequins underground, that got his little brother spooked so much and swear off urbex forever, also maybe the web hid its influence on jon so that it can listen to this comedy, sasha has to sit down with tim to make him read the statements, sasha and tim got this ongoing bet on the will they wont they jonmartin drama, we’re also going to have that will they wont they on tim and sasha romcom, but they don’t need to know about that, tl;dr danny is still alive, they’ve both been marked by The Stranger but they go to kayaking vacations at least once a year


End file.
